things make me wonder...
what is real
and what is fake
what does one do with all the questions that cant be asked?
what do i say to you?
how do tell you everything im unable to?
what is the answer?
im so confused
about everything
except a few things
a few things make sense.
theres a layer of uncertanty...
but not total doubt.
we'll see how things turn out.
Shadowstich
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
personal response
Personal Response, Blogger Style.
Blog post 271: Memories
June 3rd.
It’s Thursday. The day everything changed. I graduate tomorrow, but all I can think about is today. Yes I am worried about tomorrow. What if I trip? What if I’m not called? What if..? I question too much. What is so important about today? A chunk of my past was revealed to my parents. Something I never wanted them to find out. Something that I had blocked out of my mind for a few years, and then kept hidden in the back of my mind for the next three. How does one block something from their mind? I’m not sure… Those memories are too painful for me to handle sometimes. And yet the events of the past have shaped me today. Yet, the pain from remembering won’t quite reach the pain of seeing the look on their faces. Their reactions… They both didn’t say a word… then they asked for details. I wouldn’t give them the details. Yes I know the basics of what happened… but I don’t want to remember everything. If I could remember everything clearly… would that change anything? Would I be able to tell them? I’m not sure. I remember my dad, speaking clearly “if you don’t give us details… we won’t believe you.” I couldn’t tell them. They kicked me out of the appointment with the psychologist.
I will never forget this day.
Cause today? Is the day that I learnt that I couldn’t rely on my parents for help or support. I learnt that random strangers will go out of their way to help when they see someone crying. I learnt that when I went off crying and hid in the computer lab… that people who didn’t know me, didn’t have any reason to care… were trying to find me, to keep me safe.
These memories will live with me forever.
This reminds me of the excerpt: Four Letters of Love. The author who wrote that went through the same thing. Watching as something is said that completely changes life. The lines fit so accurately to mine. Yes the situation is different. But the result is the same. “Then, my head resting on fists, I sat and listened to the end of my childhood.” That is a line from the novel. And yet it is identical to how I felt. Do we hold on to everything we can? Even what hurts? Do we hold on to the events that change our lives even if we don’t want to?
Yes, because we have to. We have to live through everything, and hold on to everything. Why? Because even if remembering something now doesn’t seem important… it will be 20 years from now.
Thanks for reading, thanks for caring. Shadowstich
Blog post 272: Graduation
June 9th
I have been thinking a lot about the past. Memories. I graduated recently. I don’t think I will ever forget that day. The principle telling us that we technically did not graduate, that we still could fail. Our principle is a great guy… but his speeches are the most depressing things I have heard. You could see everyone’s self esteem floating away. I watched as name after name was called, as the choir sang out, as my friend played piano, as the people cheered. These details will fade away, but the general idea will always be here.
I have been thinking about the past a lot.
In grade 10 I started this blog because of a friend. And I can read back to then…
I went from a scared little kid who thought life was hopeless… to this, a more self assured almost adult. My blog is both where I share my life, and store my memories.
Reading some of the posts make me remember so much… stuff long forgotten.
The lines “I miss you, love you, hate you, but still I thank you” they went something like that. And I remember everything that happened those days. Like The smell of the rain as I sat in the center of a field that was reduced to cinder from a fire. Did you know you had such an impact on me? That you still are in my mind and memories?
The truth is… I still miss you, I still think about you… I use the memories, the lessons that you taught me… and with them I make my future.
Good job on graduating. Shadowstich.
Blog post 273:
June 13th
My first final exam: English 30-1 was today. The question for the personal response struck me deeply. You know how focused on memories I have been? The question was “what do these texts suggest to you about the significance of our memory of the past.” All I could think about was everything I have been writing about for the last while. The texts suggested how important it is to hold on to our memories. There is a brochure about an archival place.
This blog is where I archive important things. I believe that as an individual and a collective whole, we must do everything to keep our memories and out pasts, to remember them, learn from them, but not dwell in the past. Our past is what has shaped us, got us to this point of life. I believe that we must never let go of the past, both the good and bad, because… what is the point of doing something if you don’t use the experiences to further ones self. That is the significance of out memories of the past. Learning, shaping ones self, moving on, but never forgetting what has happened.
Yes I am writing about an English final, because it made me think. Hello to me, 20 years from now, reading this, looking back at life, remembering the past, but living in the now. I know I will read this. Because it is important to remember, to look back for a moment, just for a moment mind you, and see what has shaped the person who one has become.
Remember to remember even when you want to forget.
Shadowstich.
(ps this is my english response, no i dont have a time machine, all was written today)
Blog post 271: Memories
June 3rd.
It’s Thursday. The day everything changed. I graduate tomorrow, but all I can think about is today. Yes I am worried about tomorrow. What if I trip? What if I’m not called? What if..? I question too much. What is so important about today? A chunk of my past was revealed to my parents. Something I never wanted them to find out. Something that I had blocked out of my mind for a few years, and then kept hidden in the back of my mind for the next three. How does one block something from their mind? I’m not sure… Those memories are too painful for me to handle sometimes. And yet the events of the past have shaped me today. Yet, the pain from remembering won’t quite reach the pain of seeing the look on their faces. Their reactions… They both didn’t say a word… then they asked for details. I wouldn’t give them the details. Yes I know the basics of what happened… but I don’t want to remember everything. If I could remember everything clearly… would that change anything? Would I be able to tell them? I’m not sure. I remember my dad, speaking clearly “if you don’t give us details… we won’t believe you.” I couldn’t tell them. They kicked me out of the appointment with the psychologist.
I will never forget this day.
Cause today? Is the day that I learnt that I couldn’t rely on my parents for help or support. I learnt that random strangers will go out of their way to help when they see someone crying. I learnt that when I went off crying and hid in the computer lab… that people who didn’t know me, didn’t have any reason to care… were trying to find me, to keep me safe.
These memories will live with me forever.
This reminds me of the excerpt: Four Letters of Love. The author who wrote that went through the same thing. Watching as something is said that completely changes life. The lines fit so accurately to mine. Yes the situation is different. But the result is the same. “Then, my head resting on fists, I sat and listened to the end of my childhood.” That is a line from the novel. And yet it is identical to how I felt. Do we hold on to everything we can? Even what hurts? Do we hold on to the events that change our lives even if we don’t want to?
Yes, because we have to. We have to live through everything, and hold on to everything. Why? Because even if remembering something now doesn’t seem important… it will be 20 years from now.
Thanks for reading, thanks for caring. Shadowstich
Blog post 272: Graduation
June 9th
I have been thinking a lot about the past. Memories. I graduated recently. I don’t think I will ever forget that day. The principle telling us that we technically did not graduate, that we still could fail. Our principle is a great guy… but his speeches are the most depressing things I have heard. You could see everyone’s self esteem floating away. I watched as name after name was called, as the choir sang out, as my friend played piano, as the people cheered. These details will fade away, but the general idea will always be here.
I have been thinking about the past a lot.
In grade 10 I started this blog because of a friend. And I can read back to then…
I went from a scared little kid who thought life was hopeless… to this, a more self assured almost adult. My blog is both where I share my life, and store my memories.
Reading some of the posts make me remember so much… stuff long forgotten.
The lines “I miss you, love you, hate you, but still I thank you” they went something like that. And I remember everything that happened those days. Like The smell of the rain as I sat in the center of a field that was reduced to cinder from a fire. Did you know you had such an impact on me? That you still are in my mind and memories?
The truth is… I still miss you, I still think about you… I use the memories, the lessons that you taught me… and with them I make my future.
Good job on graduating. Shadowstich.
Blog post 273:
June 13th
My first final exam: English 30-1 was today. The question for the personal response struck me deeply. You know how focused on memories I have been? The question was “what do these texts suggest to you about the significance of our memory of the past.” All I could think about was everything I have been writing about for the last while. The texts suggested how important it is to hold on to our memories. There is a brochure about an archival place.
This blog is where I archive important things. I believe that as an individual and a collective whole, we must do everything to keep our memories and out pasts, to remember them, learn from them, but not dwell in the past. Our past is what has shaped us, got us to this point of life. I believe that we must never let go of the past, both the good and bad, because… what is the point of doing something if you don’t use the experiences to further ones self. That is the significance of out memories of the past. Learning, shaping ones self, moving on, but never forgetting what has happened.
Yes I am writing about an English final, because it made me think. Hello to me, 20 years from now, reading this, looking back at life, remembering the past, but living in the now. I know I will read this. Because it is important to remember, to look back for a moment, just for a moment mind you, and see what has shaped the person who one has become.
Remember to remember even when you want to forget.
Shadowstich.
(ps this is my english response, no i dont have a time machine, all was written today)
Thursday, June 3, 2010
so my parents found out about things.
about my past
and now i cant talk to them... they are SO mad
i dont know what to do. they kicked me out of the psycology meeting
and they wonder why i didnt tell them?
cause i knew they would react this way
its not that i dont trust them
its that they didn't need to know
and now they do
and i really want to kill myself.
too blunt?
probably
i wont.
but i want to
cause i dont know how to face them
cause they will never understand...
and i cant just explain everything to them
cause i dont remember the EXACT details about that event
i kinda dont want to
and i dont want to explain every little thing to them
i dont know what to do.
i dont want to go home
i graduate tomorrow
and i hate my life
about my past
and now i cant talk to them... they are SO mad
i dont know what to do. they kicked me out of the psycology meeting
and they wonder why i didnt tell them?
cause i knew they would react this way
its not that i dont trust them
its that they didn't need to know
and now they do
and i really want to kill myself.
too blunt?
probably
i wont.
but i want to
cause i dont know how to face them
cause they will never understand...
and i cant just explain everything to them
cause i dont remember the EXACT details about that event
i kinda dont want to
and i dont want to explain every little thing to them
i dont know what to do.
i dont want to go home
i graduate tomorrow
and i hate my life
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
