so apparently i have a reader
and possibly a few stalkers
WOOHOO
thus i will post more

so i dont think i mentioned but my room is painted.
picture will come... in a few days,

i found a song i wrote... almost a year ago

here it is

This is the moment that you’ll throw it all, throw it all away

This is the final time, cause I’m sick of knowing not quite what to say

This is the heartbreak and the fears

This is the heartache and the tears

But i want none of this

Never wanted any of this

Cant take this pain

going insane

This confusion and despair

did you ever care

About everything

About anything

Cause things got too deep

But im not yours to keep

Cause i never wanted this

Any of this

This is the moment that you’ll never know you’ll never know

This is the feeling that you never learned quite how to show
this is the pain, this is the doubt

This is being trapped and wanting out

But i don’t want this

No i never wanted this

Chorus

This is the hopes and dreams that are way to high in demand

This is the expectation never reached , unable to stand

This is the time thats reached its end

This is the hope that we’ll defend

But i never want this

Never, ever wanted this

it mmay allready be in here somewhere. but ima work on doing guitar for it.
and a bit of rewriting maybe
cause it doesnt quite flow at the moment.

so much has happened
and the last person i expected to help me did.
a guy i have known for... 8 days...
i still dont know why.
im very gratefull.
and i think he is fantastic...
i think for the point of this blog his name shall be kitten.
because he acts like one in some ways.
and because he is even more loveable than a kittehn

i still dont know why he helped me so much.
it was... unexpected to say the least.

as a response to the last comment?
what do you mean?
who is that?
cause chances are is i never forgot you.
just cause someone moves on doesnt mean you mean nothing to them.
so chances are i didnt forget you.


so on an completely different note
i may end up needing blood testing dont tomorrow for my random faintyness
woohoo

so... my thoughts are very scattered in this...
what is with guys wanting in my pants?
im not interested.
seriously
text message today went along the lines of "so i heard you were feeling down? i can chear you up ;)" aka "i will sleep with you and that'll make you feel better!"
guess what?
sex wont make me feel beter
boys i am not your sex toy.
so stop trying to treat me like one


yeah life has treated me rough latley. but some things make life worth it.
like the Starbuchs Kitten.
and ms/ lion
and E.
E being my friend. not the drug.

take it easy, cause some things will just get you down if you let them.

sometimes i wish you could understand that i dont always want that.
that sometimes i just want you.
that right now i feel sick, i wanna puke.
cause i am not yours anymore
you made that clear
so why do you stop me from moving on?
what to do?

cause i cant take this any more.
it hurts too much.

so "i'll dream this away, and come back another day, when im less afraid of it all"

i dont know what to do anymore
i feel so... broken
no one knows who i used to be. not that side of me... not to that extent
but i changed for you
i was loyal to you.
but that doesnt matter does it?
cause you never loved me.
i can still remember the summer. although looking back at those memories makes me want to cry.
i think my emotions overloaded

cause i wanna cry, but something keeps me "happy"
i close my eyes and try to sleep and i hear voices screaming.
"not this again, make it stop" keeps calling through my head.
an then i hear a fimiliar voice, trying to tempt me back to insanity.
what do i do?
cause i wish i could die.
cause im too weak to resist forever.
even if i am afraid

but why?
ask.