you know... one moment... everything can be going right.
and the next moment everything seems to be falling apart.
i dont know what to do. and im scared.
because whats tempting is the exact thing ive been trying not to do for the last few years...

i feel so lost sometimes...

i appear to be updating more frequently.

how are things going?

Work: going well, im working from 10 pm to 6 am, which is rough. but the work is decent, the people are rad, and i can get a lot done. i'd rather be day staff, but i have been promised hours before and had them cut. and i cant risk that...

love: is actually going super well. who'd have thought? nothing to complane about, and everything to be happy about. i keep expecting to screw up. i keep expecting to get hurt. even though i know him, and i know he'd never hurt me, its still such a suprise that he's different than the guys i have been with before.

family: shitty, i keep being there for my mum, talking to her all the time, which is putting a lot of stress on me, but when i say "hey, im having a shitty night" she ignores me.
she thinks i have nothing to be stressed about...
im living on my own...

my new place: is coming along well, new bed frame, new coffee table. and new computer. still have to finish cleaning....

friends: i feel as if almost everyone is moving away. i feel as if im losing a lot of people...
what am i supposed to do?

oh yeah... so walking to work. which is a 3 minute walk... guess what comes walking towards me... very quickly... make that running towards me... oh my... whats that? hello mr SKUNK.
its bad that my first thought was "squeeeee its so cute!"

pets: cleaned kalypso's tank today. hes doing really well. he seems to keep attacking a wall though... well... puffing up... its not good for him.

bird... flew at me and tried to attack me when i was feeding him. stupid twat bird.

other than that, not much to say.

so its 5 am.
i had to take it easy tonight at work, i kinda have been feeling fainty. and i kinda ended up falling over into a pile of printers tonight.
woo

i realised something tho.
i have the most fantastic boyfriend.

he got up at 8 am with me to take me to the doctors, and heald my hand while i got a blood test.
he was ok with me calling at 3 am because i wanted to hear his voice.
i dont know what i did to get a guy as amaizing as him.
i just wish i knew how to show him exactly how much i care about him.

i never thought i could move on from the guys in my past.
now i have no question.

heh. its kinda weird having such a positive post (well... oter than the fainting ><)

back to "learn to fly"
http://armorgames.com/play/3789/learn-to-fly

so i was reading some of my old posts
and wow i really wanna cry right now.
i realy wish i had someone to talk to right now. but its 3 am... everyone is asleep...
i dont know what to do sometimes.
i wish i could change the past.

sometimes i wonder what is going to happen
and sometimes?
im scared.
maybe kingsley was right.
maybe no one will ever love me.
is that too depressing?
maybe after giving up everything for one guy...
maybe its become hard.

but maybe i found a guy who makes things worth it again.
maybe he makes my world spin faster, and time stand still.
you know... after the last guy... i never thought i could move on, or feel that way about another.
and yet... hes different.
and i have moved on.
and then some.

so im working nights now. just on break. woo
yay working from 10 pm to 6 am
but the pay is good.
although it gives me time to think.


what am i doing with my life
where am i going to go?

i moved out.
im living on my own.

i never thought growing up would be this hard.

i listen to music a lot while working night.

and a few lyrics stick in my mind

"thank you, you made my mind up for me, when youm started to ignore me, do you see a single tear, it isn't gonna happen here"

"the last time i saw you you turned away, i said hello but you kept on walking"

"where to begin, lets start with the end, this black and white photo, never captured my skin, once it was torn, by an enemy thorn, straight through the core, the war was in color"

well back to work.

Take my hand
I’ll be everything your dreaming of
I’ll do anything cause you’re my love
I’ll tell you everything
I need you here tonight

And days they go
Oh so slow sometimes
So we should go
We’ve practiced all our lines
And I don’t know what I’d ever do alone

Chorus:
And these days go on
What do we do
We stay strong
You know I need you
And these words, this song
You know that its true
I wrote it all for you

And sometimes things
They just have to change change
And sometimes life
Is just rearranged
And everything will go
According to plan

But we’re still afraid
Of going our own ways
Though time is paid
Through all the passing days
And life goes on
Even when we’re gone

so
i guess i should probably post more often eh?
im moving out in... a week
im working 2 jobs
did i mntion i got a new job?
currently i am listening to "what is love"
why is it that people are cionfessing feelings fr me now?
i still love him.
i still would give up the world for him.

but what can i do?
nothing
eventyually i will move on
but dont push me.
cause its not gonna work

also
my mum was asking me to transfer my scollarship $ to my brother.
she thinks im not ever going back to uni
i may.
right now? i dunno
i wanna get some stuff sorted out first
so i dont wanna just make it not an option

and yet, today i asked her to transfer 20$ over from one of my accounts to another
money that i earned, through work.
and yet that was aparently a horrible thing for me to do
because i am "not gonna be prepared for my future."

so wait
hand over my scollarships so that someone else can use them... which leaves me sol if i do decide to go
but you cant spend 20$ on food

that makes sense eh?




i have been having so many nightmares latley

one about a specific guy
who did something horrible to me
and yet... he has always made me feel like it was My fault.
im not that peorson anymore. im not taking that bullshit anymore.

be aware. if you try to force yourself on me, persuade me to do stuff with me...
we are through
i am not gonna just forgive that anymore

i should never have had to.




take my hand,
i'll be anything your dreaming of
i'll do anything cause your my love
i'll tell you everything
i need you here tonight
and days they go
oh so slow sometimes
so we should go
we've practiced all our lines
and i dont know
what i'd ever do alone

and these days go on
what do we do
we stay strong
you know i need you
and these words
this song
you know that it's true
i wrote it all for you




yeah its not finished
but it has guitar music too!!!
im getting better at it!


i miss how things used to be
i was so... inocent

i miss you kaya
i really do.
you changed me
i wish i could tell you
hey. im not taking guys shit anymore
hey. im moving out
hey. it didnt have to end that way
hey. i never ment what i said.



but what can you do eh?
nothing.
im so cold

and its midnight
i will write more soon.
Shadowstich

a million lines of song flows through my head.

theres so much going on

and i dont know how to take all of it.

i dont know if i wanna fix things with you anymore. the person i am hopefully obviously angry with in the last post, lets call him kaya

kaya. i was hoping i was just paranoid.

but yes, my status's are about you.

deal with it.

im sorry about everything.

i really am.

if you let me know i couldas tried to fix things.

but i realise that even now... if i tried... i would never trust you.

so this is it then.

well here i am, slightly worse for wear.
i cant beleive you
that you'd do this
you think im weird?
i figured that was fucking obvious to begin with
im annoying for texting you?
maybe cause i was wanting to hang out or even talk.
you never said anything was wrong
you took the cowards way out
are you happy now?
nah. your gonna fuck things up.

why do things change so much?
why is it i cant do what i would have done a few weeks ago?
why do you see me as more than i see myself?
you dont know me... you shouldnt have such high expectations for me.
but one moment... your telling me i can be more than i am now...
the next moment you are throwing my past in my face and saying that i have done really stupid things.

i dont know who reads this now...
so i cant say exactly what is on my mind

even though i want to
because fuck...

every time you say stuff like that...

it feels like you have stabbed me in the heart

but what do i do?

nothing.

i pretend that it doesnt crush me

i pretend that everything is fine


because maybe if i pretend hard enough... it becomes real

thats what kept everything away for half a year eh?

"maybe its better that way, maybe no one should know?"

i wanna go to the cliffs... but only once it warms up a bit.

every time i go there i wanna cry.
cause it hurts
but i cant explain

i make less and less sense these days huh?
ciao

so apparently i have a reader
and possibly a few stalkers
WOOHOO
thus i will post more

so i dont think i mentioned but my room is painted.
picture will come... in a few days,

i found a song i wrote... almost a year ago

here it is

This is the moment that you’ll throw it all, throw it all away

This is the final time, cause I’m sick of knowing not quite what to say

This is the heartbreak and the fears

This is the heartache and the tears

But i want none of this

Never wanted any of this

Cant take this pain

going insane

This confusion and despair

did you ever care

About everything

About anything

Cause things got too deep

But im not yours to keep

Cause i never wanted this

Any of this

This is the moment that you’ll never know you’ll never know

This is the feeling that you never learned quite how to show
this is the pain, this is the doubt

This is being trapped and wanting out

But i don’t want this

No i never wanted this

Chorus

This is the hopes and dreams that are way to high in demand

This is the expectation never reached , unable to stand

This is the time thats reached its end

This is the hope that we’ll defend

But i never want this

Never, ever wanted this

it mmay allready be in here somewhere. but ima work on doing guitar for it.
and a bit of rewriting maybe
cause it doesnt quite flow at the moment.

so much has happened
and the last person i expected to help me did.
a guy i have known for... 8 days...
i still dont know why.
im very gratefull.
and i think he is fantastic...
i think for the point of this blog his name shall be kitten.
because he acts like one in some ways.
and because he is even more loveable than a kittehn

i still dont know why he helped me so much.
it was... unexpected to say the least.

as a response to the last comment?
what do you mean?
who is that?
cause chances are is i never forgot you.
just cause someone moves on doesnt mean you mean nothing to them.
so chances are i didnt forget you.


so on an completely different note
i may end up needing blood testing dont tomorrow for my random faintyness
woohoo

so... my thoughts are very scattered in this...
what is with guys wanting in my pants?
im not interested.
seriously
text message today went along the lines of "so i heard you were feeling down? i can chear you up ;)" aka "i will sleep with you and that'll make you feel better!"
guess what?
sex wont make me feel beter
boys i am not your sex toy.
so stop trying to treat me like one


yeah life has treated me rough latley. but some things make life worth it.
like the Starbuchs Kitten.
and ms/ lion
and E.
E being my friend. not the drug.

take it easy, cause some things will just get you down if you let them.

sometimes i wish you could understand that i dont always want that.
that sometimes i just want you.
that right now i feel sick, i wanna puke.
cause i am not yours anymore
you made that clear
so why do you stop me from moving on?
what to do?

cause i cant take this any more.
it hurts too much.

so "i'll dream this away, and come back another day, when im less afraid of it all"

i dont know what to do anymore
i feel so... broken
no one knows who i used to be. not that side of me... not to that extent
but i changed for you
i was loyal to you.
but that doesnt matter does it?
cause you never loved me.
i can still remember the summer. although looking back at those memories makes me want to cry.
i think my emotions overloaded

cause i wanna cry, but something keeps me "happy"
i close my eyes and try to sleep and i hear voices screaming.
"not this again, make it stop" keeps calling through my head.
an then i hear a fimiliar voice, trying to tempt me back to insanity.
what do i do?
cause i wish i could die.
cause im too weak to resist forever.
even if i am afraid

but why?
ask.

so i finally found love
sure he isnt perfect
but he is way better than most guys i have been with.
there is one other that i could compare aproximatly equally to
but i dont love him. not that way
this guy actually treats me well
he doesnt use me
he cares about me
he puts up with me when im a moody bitch :)

i think he is amaizing

but my friends... dont think the same
at least not the one that matters.

my parents also hate him.
just cause he wont meet them.

i tried to tell my mum that he made me supper
or that we were doing stuff in a game that was really cool.
she told me she didnt care and didnt want to hear about it

so what am i suposed to do?

this last week has ben hell
explination?
well im moving out on friday
i love him... but he is so distant latley
grampas funeral is on thursday (2 days from now)

last things first
My grampa was hit by a truck on sunday night.
im still in shock.

who is he?
wouldnt you like to know.
im trying not to bother him when he is busy. these last few days i have been upset and needing a friend.
thats what i have noticed
whwnever i really need a friend
some are busy
some just dont respond...
and some try and use it as an oppertunity
cause
fuck

this is the conversation went

guy "im really sorry for your loss. anything i can do at all to help ;) take your mind off things?"
me "what do you mean by that?"

in the end he tried to get in my pants

i know i am decent looking
suposidly im seductive

but im still human
so treat me like one

uh...
moving out
so my parents gave me a choice
no computers
tv
hanging out
dating
cellphone
life

the only way i could date was if they got to see his transcripts
im sorry.
but no
just
no.


i dont know what to do sometimes
do i give up?
follow his advice?
i cant
even though...
its probably right

i have noticed that i can be on msn and facebook almost all day... and not get a single message
from anyone
its times like this...
when im allready upset
that i feel truley alone
like no one really cares.

what do you do when everything changes?
dont know what anything is anymore
dont know whats right
am i making the right choice?
huge step eh?
choices are:
live at home, no dating, computers, tv, friends, phone...
or move
my mum called me a sex addicted alchoholic...
what do you say to that?
comment please!

how do i say that im scared
me... the one who everyone sees as tough
i hate feeling weak...
cause every time i do show weakness i get hurt.
hes a great guy... but most wont approve.
so what do i do.
aparently the answer is...
i fall for him
even though everything is up in the air
even though i might just end up getting hurt.
but im sick of missing chances cause of fear.
i dont know what to do
id do anything to make you smile.
to take away your pain.
i hope you know that.
another song.
working on guitar...
the normal.
i guess im happy, cause she is gone.
but all i care about right now is you... i want you to be okay.

why?

things make me wonder...
what is real
and what is fake
what does one do with all the questions that cant be asked?
what do i say to you?
how do tell you everything im unable to?
what is the answer?

im so confused
about everything
except a few things
a few things make sense.
theres a layer of uncertanty...
but not total doubt.

we'll see how things turn out.
Shadowstich

Hello there readers
i know a few people look at this.
but who?
do you enjoy my ranting?
do you know me personally?
new song coming soon!