so much complication latley.
with last night.
yesterday was a pretty rad day for the most part...
hung out with a really awesome boy and stole his hoodie.
went to my band concert, and wore the hoodie under my suit for the first half of the concert.
I dont know why... but it really helped calm me down.
but yeah... durring the concert i was sitting next to a friend who had been avoiding me since the band trip.
and well... durring intermition... im still not quite sure exactly what happened, it was kinda a blurr... cause one moment we're talking, then we hug, then he pushed me against the wall and kissed me.
he knows im with someone else.
although that didnt stop me once......
but it did this time.
http://concessioncomic.com/index.php?pid=20100516
that comic... describes things fairly well.
well... i dont love him... i think. my boyfriend i mean.
i dunno. after last time... im terified to love someone that way, let alone tell them. but i care about him a fair bit.
and i want to stay with him.
and stay loyal.
what i should note due to the comic is... im normally very loyal, but i dont want to go into that.



wow... for once i dont know what else to say

i think what i should do... is grab one of my extra mp3 players, put a whole bunch of fun music and give it to someone so he has something to listen to on bus rides.

does anyone read this anymore?
if you do please comment on this and say who you are.
peace.
Shadowstich

its weird.
i started this blog so long ago.
what has changed?
everything.
right now... i really wish i could ask him out.
but im too afraid to
im over adam... mostly... but all i can think of is:
"but what if he says no"
then i will wonder why...
do i take the risk?
im still not sure
i really wish he would ask me out.
cause the thing is... im terified of being used again
after the last guy.
im so sick of being hurt
if feels like people only see me for sex.

why does it feel like that?
well... the last guy...
and then... right after things ended with the last guy... one of my closest guy friends is all
"you are single now... we should experiment... like fool around... just as friends."
he didnt even care that i was crushed.
i know im a... what did hat one guy call me "a sexual deviant"
i flirt without meaning to.
but if i actually like someone i will be somewhat shy around them sometimes... and want to talk a lot.

im too open sometimes.
guess i got that cause of kingsley.
i dont like people hiding stuff...


sometimes:
i miss being innocent
i miss being sure of life
i miss being sure of myself
i miss running... and martial arts

currently i am listening to this one song... that always breaks my heart just slightly
i cant help but think about things... 2 years ago...


i will admit it... im having a rough patch
im not used to having to face all this pain. anger
they are forign emotions to me.
im not used to having to experiance them.
someday i might explain why.
maybe

everythings changing.
and im trying to embrace it.

please realise that this is me trying to feel better, thats why i blog, for release
that not everything i say i ment to say.
these are also raw emotions... but maybe you'll understand.
i miss you.
Shadowstich

please