you know... one moment... everything can be going right.
and the next moment everything seems to be falling apart.
i dont know what to do. and im scared.
because whats tempting is the exact thing ive been trying not to do for the last few years...

i feel so lost sometimes...

i appear to be updating more frequently.

how are things going?

Work: going well, im working from 10 pm to 6 am, which is rough. but the work is decent, the people are rad, and i can get a lot done. i'd rather be day staff, but i have been promised hours before and had them cut. and i cant risk that...

love: is actually going super well. who'd have thought? nothing to complane about, and everything to be happy about. i keep expecting to screw up. i keep expecting to get hurt. even though i know him, and i know he'd never hurt me, its still such a suprise that he's different than the guys i have been with before.

family: shitty, i keep being there for my mum, talking to her all the time, which is putting a lot of stress on me, but when i say "hey, im having a shitty night" she ignores me.
she thinks i have nothing to be stressed about...
im living on my own...

my new place: is coming along well, new bed frame, new coffee table. and new computer. still have to finish cleaning....

friends: i feel as if almost everyone is moving away. i feel as if im losing a lot of people...
what am i supposed to do?

oh yeah... so walking to work. which is a 3 minute walk... guess what comes walking towards me... very quickly... make that running towards me... oh my... whats that? hello mr SKUNK.
its bad that my first thought was "squeeeee its so cute!"

pets: cleaned kalypso's tank today. hes doing really well. he seems to keep attacking a wall though... well... puffing up... its not good for him.

bird... flew at me and tried to attack me when i was feeding him. stupid twat bird.

other than that, not much to say.

so its 5 am.
i had to take it easy tonight at work, i kinda have been feeling fainty. and i kinda ended up falling over into a pile of printers tonight.
woo

i realised something tho.
i have the most fantastic boyfriend.

he got up at 8 am with me to take me to the doctors, and heald my hand while i got a blood test.
he was ok with me calling at 3 am because i wanted to hear his voice.
i dont know what i did to get a guy as amaizing as him.
i just wish i knew how to show him exactly how much i care about him.

i never thought i could move on from the guys in my past.
now i have no question.

heh. its kinda weird having such a positive post (well... oter than the fainting ><)

back to "learn to fly"
http://armorgames.com/play/3789/learn-to-fly

so i was reading some of my old posts
and wow i really wanna cry right now.
i realy wish i had someone to talk to right now. but its 3 am... everyone is asleep...
i dont know what to do sometimes.
i wish i could change the past.

sometimes i wonder what is going to happen
and sometimes?
im scared.
maybe kingsley was right.
maybe no one will ever love me.
is that too depressing?
maybe after giving up everything for one guy...
maybe its become hard.

but maybe i found a guy who makes things worth it again.
maybe he makes my world spin faster, and time stand still.
you know... after the last guy... i never thought i could move on, or feel that way about another.
and yet... hes different.
and i have moved on.
and then some.

so im working nights now. just on break. woo
yay working from 10 pm to 6 am
but the pay is good.
although it gives me time to think.


what am i doing with my life
where am i going to go?

i moved out.
im living on my own.

i never thought growing up would be this hard.

i listen to music a lot while working night.

and a few lyrics stick in my mind

"thank you, you made my mind up for me, when youm started to ignore me, do you see a single tear, it isn't gonna happen here"

"the last time i saw you you turned away, i said hello but you kept on walking"

"where to begin, lets start with the end, this black and white photo, never captured my skin, once it was torn, by an enemy thorn, straight through the core, the war was in color"

well back to work.

Take my hand
I’ll be everything your dreaming of
I’ll do anything cause you’re my love
I’ll tell you everything
I need you here tonight

And days they go
Oh so slow sometimes
So we should go
We’ve practiced all our lines
And I don’t know what I’d ever do alone

Chorus:
And these days go on
What do we do
We stay strong
You know I need you
And these words, this song
You know that its true
I wrote it all for you

And sometimes things
They just have to change change
And sometimes life
Is just rearranged
And everything will go
According to plan

But we’re still afraid
Of going our own ways
Though time is paid
Through all the passing days
And life goes on
Even when we’re gone

so
i guess i should probably post more often eh?
im moving out in... a week
im working 2 jobs
did i mntion i got a new job?
currently i am listening to "what is love"
why is it that people are cionfessing feelings fr me now?
i still love him.
i still would give up the world for him.

but what can i do?
nothing
eventyually i will move on
but dont push me.
cause its not gonna work

also
my mum was asking me to transfer my scollarship $ to my brother.
she thinks im not ever going back to uni
i may.
right now? i dunno
i wanna get some stuff sorted out first
so i dont wanna just make it not an option

and yet, today i asked her to transfer 20$ over from one of my accounts to another
money that i earned, through work.
and yet that was aparently a horrible thing for me to do
because i am "not gonna be prepared for my future."

so wait
hand over my scollarships so that someone else can use them... which leaves me sol if i do decide to go
but you cant spend 20$ on food

that makes sense eh?




i have been having so many nightmares latley

one about a specific guy
who did something horrible to me
and yet... he has always made me feel like it was My fault.
im not that peorson anymore. im not taking that bullshit anymore.

be aware. if you try to force yourself on me, persuade me to do stuff with me...
we are through
i am not gonna just forgive that anymore

i should never have had to.




take my hand,
i'll be anything your dreaming of
i'll do anything cause your my love
i'll tell you everything
i need you here tonight
and days they go
oh so slow sometimes
so we should go
we've practiced all our lines
and i dont know
what i'd ever do alone

and these days go on
what do we do
we stay strong
you know i need you
and these words
this song
you know that it's true
i wrote it all for you




yeah its not finished
but it has guitar music too!!!
im getting better at it!


i miss how things used to be
i was so... inocent

i miss you kaya
i really do.
you changed me
i wish i could tell you
hey. im not taking guys shit anymore
hey. im moving out
hey. it didnt have to end that way
hey. i never ment what i said.



but what can you do eh?
nothing.
im so cold

and its midnight
i will write more soon.
Shadowstich

a million lines of song flows through my head.

theres so much going on

and i dont know how to take all of it.

i dont know if i wanna fix things with you anymore. the person i am hopefully obviously angry with in the last post, lets call him kaya

kaya. i was hoping i was just paranoid.

but yes, my status's are about you.

deal with it.

im sorry about everything.

i really am.

if you let me know i couldas tried to fix things.

but i realise that even now... if i tried... i would never trust you.

so this is it then.

well here i am, slightly worse for wear.
i cant beleive you
that you'd do this
you think im weird?
i figured that was fucking obvious to begin with
im annoying for texting you?
maybe cause i was wanting to hang out or even talk.
you never said anything was wrong
you took the cowards way out
are you happy now?
nah. your gonna fuck things up.

why do things change so much?
why is it i cant do what i would have done a few weeks ago?
why do you see me as more than i see myself?
you dont know me... you shouldnt have such high expectations for me.
but one moment... your telling me i can be more than i am now...
the next moment you are throwing my past in my face and saying that i have done really stupid things.

i dont know who reads this now...
so i cant say exactly what is on my mind

even though i want to
because fuck...

every time you say stuff like that...

it feels like you have stabbed me in the heart

but what do i do?

nothing.

i pretend that it doesnt crush me

i pretend that everything is fine


because maybe if i pretend hard enough... it becomes real

thats what kept everything away for half a year eh?

"maybe its better that way, maybe no one should know?"

i wanna go to the cliffs... but only once it warms up a bit.

every time i go there i wanna cry.
cause it hurts
but i cant explain

i make less and less sense these days huh?
ciao