Loss of Hope: Response to “In the Absence of Angles”
This essay speaks to me in quite a few ways. Not so much about Aids, but the loss of hope. There are people who believe that there is some greater being, a god so to say. “God” is supposed to protect you, keep you from harm, and answer your prayers. I still don’t know what to believe, because my prayers have never been answered, and I don’t think anyone is protecting me. Some people have said “he is still watching out for you, he just works in mysterious ways.” If that’s the case, then why am I injured… for the rest of my life? Why did I lose one of the few things that I loved with all my heart?
Let me explain my injury. It’s a groin pull. This is what happened one year and 11 months ago… long time ago it seems. My relatives, my aunt and her son Jason (Sarah was staying at her dads) were staying over. It was approximately two in the morning in April. I was fast asleep on the floor; Jason was sleeping in my loft bed, which is the top part of a bunk bed. To get into the loft bed, one must climb a ladder and then manoeuvre themselves into the bed. There are bars along the side, about half a meter above the mattress. This prevents anyone from falling out of the bed. In the three to four years I have had the bed I have never fallen out. Did I mention that I can’t keep still in my sleep? I move enough that my parents hear the bed rocking and squeaking as if I were doing… something other than sleeping. Even with all my moving, I have NEVER fallen out. Anyways, it’s two am, I am fast asleep. Suddenly I am woken up by something landing on my legs. I twist suddenly, and then BAM… groin pull and second degree hamstring sprain. He jumped. In a cry for attention, Jason resulted in injuring me for life. That’s not all though. Jason claimed that he fell, and my relatives, they believed him. I know that he jumped. If he had fallen out of my bed, he would have cracked his head open on the ladder, and landed on my stomach. Instead he landed on my lower legs in a crouch. According to my grandparents, it is my fault that I got injured, because boys will be boys and jump out of beds, and that I shouldn’t have slept on the floor. So they’re saying one second he fell, next second he jumped. I told my parents what they said. The result? I’m a liar and a snitch for telling the truth. I was 15, he was 12 when it happened.
A lot of people say things like “Oh it will be fine in a year or two.” Do you think I’m exaggerating about it being a life long injury? I wish I was. As I wrote this yesterday, and type this today, I am on codeine and ibuprofen for the pain. Yes, one year and eleven months later I still am in pain. Three days ago I went to the doctor. My groin is easily re-injured, so I am not always in pain, but it never completely heals. The doctors comment… “Groin pull?... I’m sorry… that REALLY sucks. There is nothing at all that we can do… It will take a lifetime to heal. There is no surgery, nothing we can do except give you painkillers and send you back to physiotherapy.” I have been in physiotherapy for two sessions, each one a month long. There I get to have Jen massage my groin, run an electric current through my groin, and pour cold gel on my groin and do an ultrasound. Yes I get to have a stranger’s hands between my legs for an hour every few days during those sessions. It helps… a little, but not enough. Its also one of the most awkward things I have had to go through. Jen is very nice, and I like seeing her, I just wish that I could go without the electric current.
I mentioned that I lost one of the few things I loved with all my heart. That would be martial arts. All my life I have been in Hapkido. It meant everything to me, and I was really good at it. At blue belt, I could spar against black belts. Black belts were 5 belts (and 3-4 years) ahead of me, and I could still do well in fights against them. I’ve lost that. Hapkido was how I distressed, the only place where I had friends through junior high. It gave me something to live for. I used to be able to do point kicks head height, Now… waist height on a good day. I won’t lie; I am still addicted to the adrenalin rush I still miss getting punched in the face. I had to quit Hapkido over a year ago, and I won’t be able to go back. I can’t do sports anymore, except for a select few. I have lost part of my life, my past, and my future. I used to teach Hapkido, I wanted to do it for the rest of my life. I planned on becoming a martial arts instructor.
I know that I sound upset, bitter, and angry. I am. I will get over that. I haven’t given up on life though. I have given up on the concept of a god. I prayed to get better. I prayed for something that could be done. Nothing happened. We must make our own paths, live our own lives. I know I can’t go back to martial arts, running, or any physical activity that I’d enjoy. My thoughts though? Don’t give up. Life is not easy, but it’s worth living. To those who believe, I hope you never lose your faith. As to my plans? I will become an elementary teacher, and I will teach kids that no matter how bleak, hopeless, useless their life seems… that things will get better. Never give up on your dreams.
This essay speaks to me in quite a few ways. Not so much about Aids, but the loss of hope. There are people who believe that there is some greater being, a god so to say. “God” is supposed to protect you, keep you from harm, and answer your prayers. I still don’t know what to believe, because my prayers have never been answered, and I don’t think anyone is protecting me. Some people have said “he is still watching out for you, he just works in mysterious ways.” If that’s the case, then why am I injured… for the rest of my life? Why did I lose one of the few things that I loved with all my heart?
Let me explain my injury. It’s a groin pull. This is what happened one year and 11 months ago… long time ago it seems. My relatives, my aunt and her son Jason (Sarah was staying at her dads) were staying over. It was approximately two in the morning in April. I was fast asleep on the floor; Jason was sleeping in my loft bed, which is the top part of a bunk bed. To get into the loft bed, one must climb a ladder and then manoeuvre themselves into the bed. There are bars along the side, about half a meter above the mattress. This prevents anyone from falling out of the bed. In the three to four years I have had the bed I have never fallen out. Did I mention that I can’t keep still in my sleep? I move enough that my parents hear the bed rocking and squeaking as if I were doing… something other than sleeping. Even with all my moving, I have NEVER fallen out. Anyways, it’s two am, I am fast asleep. Suddenly I am woken up by something landing on my legs. I twist suddenly, and then BAM… groin pull and second degree hamstring sprain. He jumped. In a cry for attention, Jason resulted in injuring me for life. That’s not all though. Jason claimed that he fell, and my relatives, they believed him. I know that he jumped. If he had fallen out of my bed, he would have cracked his head open on the ladder, and landed on my stomach. Instead he landed on my lower legs in a crouch. According to my grandparents, it is my fault that I got injured, because boys will be boys and jump out of beds, and that I shouldn’t have slept on the floor. So they’re saying one second he fell, next second he jumped. I told my parents what they said. The result? I’m a liar and a snitch for telling the truth. I was 15, he was 12 when it happened.
A lot of people say things like “Oh it will be fine in a year or two.” Do you think I’m exaggerating about it being a life long injury? I wish I was. As I wrote this yesterday, and type this today, I am on codeine and ibuprofen for the pain. Yes, one year and eleven months later I still am in pain. Three days ago I went to the doctor. My groin is easily re-injured, so I am not always in pain, but it never completely heals. The doctors comment… “Groin pull?... I’m sorry… that REALLY sucks. There is nothing at all that we can do… It will take a lifetime to heal. There is no surgery, nothing we can do except give you painkillers and send you back to physiotherapy.” I have been in physiotherapy for two sessions, each one a month long. There I get to have Jen massage my groin, run an electric current through my groin, and pour cold gel on my groin and do an ultrasound. Yes I get to have a stranger’s hands between my legs for an hour every few days during those sessions. It helps… a little, but not enough. Its also one of the most awkward things I have had to go through. Jen is very nice, and I like seeing her, I just wish that I could go without the electric current.
I mentioned that I lost one of the few things I loved with all my heart. That would be martial arts. All my life I have been in Hapkido. It meant everything to me, and I was really good at it. At blue belt, I could spar against black belts. Black belts were 5 belts (and 3-4 years) ahead of me, and I could still do well in fights against them. I’ve lost that. Hapkido was how I distressed, the only place where I had friends through junior high. It gave me something to live for. I used to be able to do point kicks head height, Now… waist height on a good day. I won’t lie; I am still addicted to the adrenalin rush I still miss getting punched in the face. I had to quit Hapkido over a year ago, and I won’t be able to go back. I can’t do sports anymore, except for a select few. I have lost part of my life, my past, and my future. I used to teach Hapkido, I wanted to do it for the rest of my life. I planned on becoming a martial arts instructor.
I know that I sound upset, bitter, and angry. I am. I will get over that. I haven’t given up on life though. I have given up on the concept of a god. I prayed to get better. I prayed for something that could be done. Nothing happened. We must make our own paths, live our own lives. I know I can’t go back to martial arts, running, or any physical activity that I’d enjoy. My thoughts though? Don’t give up. Life is not easy, but it’s worth living. To those who believe, I hope you never lose your faith. As to my plans? I will become an elementary teacher, and I will teach kids that no matter how bleak, hopeless, useless their life seems… that things will get better. Never give up on your dreams.
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