i dont know what im doing...
i mean i dont know what im doing with my life
right now i am thinking too much, worying too much, and listening to a song in a language i dont understand.
im cold (as always)
and confused
i have a great boyfriend
a great family...
why cant i be satisfyed with that.
i find myself looking at other guys (but i have learned not to do anything)
i find the smallest things can piss me off...
i cant wait for winter to end...
as i suffer sfrom seasonally affected disorder... aka S.A.D...
what does that mean?
winter makes me depressed.
oh new song... its in... french?
yay pigloo :D
i still dont know exactly who reads this...
which is why i watch what i say...
im tempted to start a new one just so i can type whatever i want, without pissing off anyone, or risking saying something i dont want someone to hear...
i used to be able to open up so easily...
but so much has changed
have i changed?
and is it for better of for worse?
finnd me and show me what you want from me
so you think im strong?
how so...
we had the furnace serviced today... whgy is it i am so cold?
and now spanish pop....???
and back to either german or duch???
schnuffle :D
chei chei ch-ch-ch-chei *dances*
*shivers*
why is it i have the least to say when i have the most time....?
fyi... right now i am depressed... i could really use people to talk to.
im having trouble making conversation....
but the entire time i have been on msn 1 person has started a conversation with me....
and it makes me feel unwanted.
SHADOWSTICH

why do i find myself worying about you
still reading your blog?
you have told me in the past you dont want to talk to me, and you think im an annoyance
that doesnt mean i dont want to talk to you.
cause i miss talking to you
and find myself thinking about you
right now your stressed out, and i just want to help make things better.
but i cant, because i dont think you would let me.
a while ago i wrote a song about you, and was going to sing it in a show, but decided not to, as some things are best left unsaid, or said in a different way.
you have helped me in the past. i just wish i could return the favor
Shadowstich

and now finally for a post
for the song "in the morn" i am looking for people to help me with instruments (both playing and writing)
things are going pretty great
tomorrow will be one month :)
finally proving the vampire saliva theory wrong
finally....
took me long enough
i have a sectional at the end of class
which i am looking forwards to.
as the french horn section is awesome

right now im listening to psyco teady
im starting to like the techno pop stuff
like gummibar...

and Schnuffel
awesome ness


yay
right now im in an artistic mood
listening to music
writing a lot
writing music, or attempting to.


dont have too much to say right now.

in the morn

the nights are alive
with the tears children cry
and the days are so cold
cause of stories untold
the shot of a gun
as things come udone
and nothings the same in the morn

things are falling apart
getting shot in the dark
cause theres no one left to save you
theres fear in your eyes
when yet another lie
escapes from your lips
and your hearts doing flips
just to stay alive in the morn

when nothings the same
except for the blame
and the fear that you will be next
to feel the blade
as your life starts to fade
one more life lost
in a holocoust
fading away in the morn

nothing left

nothings pure, cant find a cure
nothing left to do
falling down, hit the ground
nothing left to prove

darkness spreads around
and yet the truth still cant be found
and theres nothing left
nothing left
still cant find the light
only yet another fight
cause theres nothing left
yeah nothing left

running late, full of hate
nothing left to say
this is the end, so dont pretend
nothing left today

darkness spreads around
and yet the truth still cant be found
and theres nothing left
nothing left
still cant find the light
only yet another fight
cause theres nothing left
yeah nothing left

slow your pace its not a race
nothing left to see
take a chance, do a dance
nothing left to be

darkness spreads around
and yet the truth still cant be found
and theres nothing left
nothing left
still cant find the light
only yet another fight
cause theres nothing left
yeah nothing left

take a song, just sing along
nothing left to share
take some time, just redifine
nothing left to bare


darkness spreads around
and yet the truth still cant be found
and theres nothing left
nothing left
still cant find the light
only yet another fight
cause theres nothing left
yeah nothing left

sorry its taken so long
life is pissing me off
a few people are spreading rumers around about me,
i wont say what they are,
and theres only the slightest bit of truth,
the rumors story is so compleatly off, and make me sound like im:
a) crazy
b) creepy
c)idiotic
d)all three

if you guessed d you are correct.
its amaizing how much rumors can effect you.

whats the worst is, theres actually a truestory i cant tell, and some chick says she saw it happen, when in truth, we were compleatly alone.

why cant people just drop things
WHO CAIRS
if anyone who reads this knows whats going on, or wants to know, just ask me, i cant tell you everything, but you should know i dont do that

in 39 minutes i leave the house
what will i do today?
gym at 8 (sit and watch people curl, i still cant due to physiotherapy)
social (learn about the holucost)
recess (text boyfriend)
chem (test)
math (new unit)
sectional (just 1st and 3rd horn, sadly the section leader cant make it :()
take the bus, then another
spend whatever time i have at the mall...
start work (its now( 5)
start closing store (if i have to close with roy i will scream)
leave at 9, unless roy is there, if so 9:30
get home at 10.
YAY


if you want me to update this ask.
SHADOWSTICH

well im 16 now
and this is my first post on my brand new acer aspire one (laptop)
its a sub-notebook.
really sweet.
and small.
why is it when i actually have time i have nothing i can say?
i guess its because i dont know who exactly reads this...

i figure i should give you an explination
why i have been:
anti social
tense
untalkitive
depressed...
well thing is... :
every october i get really depressed
i just got my heart broken
i pulled my groin
i cant do point kicks
i cant spar much

but life is starting to improve
it will take about a year for my groin to heal
and i need to go to physiotherapy
but hey...
could be worse

im in the band room...
working on a song
something i have missed doing
so im gonna get back to that
bye for now

wha is this thing called love

and why did i have to prove someone right

my friend had a theory about me...
how i cant keep someone after i kiss them...

its true...
and it sucks

and i have reason to keep writing in this
PUTAWAYS
thats the reason
ugh
im on cash tonight
which sucks
life is confusing
and complicated
making new friends
im single again
which is good
because
COULD I HAVE BEEN MORE OF AN IDIOT

right now i am working on something.
it involves my camera
what im doing is this.
a photo dedication to some people...
you know how i do dedications on this?
instead of words i will use pictures...
this will take me a while
because it has to be perfect.

everyone seems to be going through problems right now.
i wish i could just take away everyone elses pain.


theres someone i really want to help.
and im trying
but she does not know me
or trust me
and her friends dont like me
and i dont know if she even wants my help
i just want to see her smile. and make everything ok for her.
i see the looks her friends give me when im near her.
the looks say "go away, you dont belong here."

listening to frou frou right now
and thinking
confused
but i know what im doing
i hope
Shadowstich

un named song

just a bit of confusion
and a little bit of hate
with a hint of ilusion
stuck in a mixed up state
then an unexpected twist
in an unwriten story
caused by taking a risk
and fighting for glory

its not as hard as it looks
dont look back and regret
treat life like an open book
dont you ever forget
the past gives you guide lines
rules to help make things right
dont focus on bad times
for the future will be bright

dont know where your going
and dont know who you are
pushed by the wind blowing
wishing on a shooting star
so close your eyes and dream
and embrace the new day
its not as bad as it seems
i promise its ok

its not as hard as it looks
dont look back and regret
treat life like an open book
dont you ever forget
the past gives you guide lines
rules to help make things right
dont focus on bad times
for the future will be bright

the days are falling down
and no one seems to care
feeling stuck in lonley town
but someones always there
to keep you safe and strong
so hold your head up high
and tho the days are long
you'll make it out alive

its not as hard as it looks
dont look back and regret
treat life like an open book
dont you ever forget
the past gives you guide lines
rules to help make things right
dont focus on bad times
for the future will be bright

yeah dont you ever forget
the past gives you guide lines
rules to help make things right
dont focus on bad times
for the future will be bright

wow... a lot on my mind
but i dont want to write it on here...
because i dont think i have any friends who read this anymore without me reminding them.
if you want to know whats going on... ask... if i trust you enough... i will tell you... if not... well i will tell you other stuff thats going on...
one question...
for so long guys havnt been into me
WHY HAS THAT CHANGED
seriously...
there are a few guys who like me right now...
but where did it come from
have i changed in the past 2 weeks??
tell me.
SS... aka JB (not telling what that stands for... its a new nickname of mine...)figure it out

so much going on...
its getting busy
lets see...
whats my chedual like...
band monday, tuesday wednesday and thursday. friday night i work, today im working.... tomorrow is my brothers birthday...
it seems something is always going on these days.

i have my camera and i may go to the cliffs today
i want to do a small tribute to the place with the song "this is my world now"
its an instrumental peice i really really like
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fuqg2yh49oM
i dont know if this peice has any significance... i just love it.

dont ask me to explain why i love it... except it has some great brass and horn
so yeah
yay fanfares

things are way too complicated.
one of my friends (at lease i think hes a friend... still unsure) said to me that i always have something or another going wrong....
and ive realised he is very right...
its not like i try.....

i just want things to be more simple and easy


i also talk to much...
and people really have noticed it...
when im less talkitive then usual its almost an instant "are you ok? your not too talkitive... is something wrong?"

maybe im just changing... trying to be less annoying and in peoples faces...

because i dont want to piss people off and scare them away...

altho i wonder if anyone reads this i will still wright...
as even if im just writing to myself it makes me feel better
but its off to work i go
later...

this song was writen because of you

no more days to follow

I'm trying so hard just to find

a little bit of peace of mind

but you are driving me crazy

and theres no one who can save me

chorus

and if i could i'd turn back time

instead of writing line by line

but nothing i do can fix this

cause you don't want me to exist

i was so close and yet so far

but i still dont know who you are

i just want things to be ok

but theres nothing else i can say

and if i could i'd turn back time
instead of writing line by line
but nothing i do can fix this
cause you don't want me to exist

i wish i could just walk away

leave everything for yesterday

make it so theres no tomorrow

with no more days to follow

and if i could i'd turn back time
instead of writing line by line
but nothing i do can fix this
cause you don't want me to exist

and i'd make it so theres no tomorrow

with no more days to follow

stolen from someone who stole it from someone else... who stole if from someone else... and so on

I AM … very confused
I WANT…everything to be ok
I HAVE … a new camera
I WISH I COULD … talk to you, and have you talk back. and to know what actually going on in your mind
I HATE … when you lie to me.
I FEAR … having no friends... i've been there
I HEAR … music... from my headphones. secondhand serenade
I DON’T THINK … holding back tears is good for me... one of these days im gonna break down again
I REGRET … that i dont show all my emotions... cause i no longer know how to show them normaly
I LOVE …m friends and family
I AM NOT … going to give up, or break a promise...
I DANCE … really badly... and like a guy
I SING … my own words... songs are just stories with tunes to me
I NEVER … knew what to put here
I RARELY … show myself to people... my true self
I CRY WHEN I WATCH … i dont cry to movies... but im listening to its not over... and trying so hard not to cry... as im not alone
I AM NOT ALWAYS … a optimistic person... im just really good at faking it
I HATE THAT … im so annoying... and people wonttell me how to fix it.
I’M CONFUSED ABOUT …life??? you...
I NEED … someone to talk to...
I SHOULD … be satisfied with where i am... instead of trying for more

i have a camera now.
i took that picture at 6:55 thismorning at school.
yes i was there early.
to see all the pictures i have taken check facebook.

its amaizing the differences between grade 10 and 11

and then theres more awkward situation


natt finds out i like this guy eric


"eric" she motions him over
and in a singsong voice
"victoria has a crush on you"
at that point i was actually too stunned to react.
which was a goodthing

she thinks one day i will thank her
thing is... i have liked him since grade 10 begun.
he was... for the most part, a secret crush.
and now i cant talk to him cause im way too shy.
which sucks because i was starting to actually become friends with him.

dedication time

g: im still confused at where its at. but im still glad to know you. im glad we are in band together (sorry you got 2nd horn) band trips will be intresting... (and confusing since im in both bands) you have taught me some very valuble lessons... alas spelling was not one of them.

joe: (as j is taken...) im so glad you are my friend. you have made work fun. and disturbing.
if i had one word to describe our friendship... it would be... PUTAWAYS
cause we are just that cool. and yes i will keep my promises... one question... does messageing you on fb count? dont worry. i told you i would tell you if i needed to.

zuli: i miss you a lot. i want to hang with you. can you all sometime? i need someone to go to the clifs with... for a photo taking spree... and i neet a good pict of you... cause the video i have of you has you trying to be a whoreable person.

j: im listening to two secondhand serenade cd's right now... and there are picts of you on facebook. i love you. you know that tho. im glad you are here for me... to talk to, sing with, listen to... and listen to laugh at me... i am here for you. no matter what.

erin: i miss you a lot. i miss talking to you about everything... boys... i no longer mouth the words to songs... or sing on the bus... i hope everything is going well for you. and i hope someday i can see you again.

logan. you have intresting advice... and im so sorry i punched you in the face... i feel so bad.
and i dont always have ice with me... i miss talking to you. cause its only at martial arts we talk. can we hang???

anyone else???

i duno... there are other people i could add...
but who reads this?
i duno anymore

i will post new song soon
but for now
peace
Shadowstich

100th post

so much has changed.
when i started this i was friends with someone
he was why i started this.
and there is no way i can fix things.
and i have stopped trying.
because it will go nowhere
but i have new friends...
mostly (well compleatly) from work
so much i could write about.
like the fact i like someone, and their sister hates me :P

and suposidley an ex boyfriend still likes me?
i have no clue what that is about.

im listening to a band called secondhand serenade
really good band.

and i get to deal with issues...
so im gonna stop blogging
as issues must stay private

99th post.
why did i start this?
im on break with 17 minutes left.
listening to music, with no clue what to write
i still dont know if i should try to record a cd.
because i honestly dont know if im any good.

doubtinging everything i know,
doubtfull of what i know.
i want to sing right now...
but other people are here.
i dont know if i should be sociable...
maybe
or maybe not

its sad how easily friendships can break.
one second everything seems fine.
and then everything comes out.
and the friendship falls apart

but it there is a fight
and the friendship somehow stays, it gets stronger
or weeker
depends on the situation.
well im ranting

this is my 98th post.
done in the break room at my work.

i dont know if anyone reads this anymore
as the one guy who did, im hoping wont anymore.
g. you asked me to stay out of your life
so please do the same.

im going to go change for work
PEACE

(if you read this, omment and i will write more often)
Shadowstich

random song stuff

the night is gone so don't you fear
please dont shed another tear
know everything will be ok
no matter what the others say

you dont have to walk alone
the darkness is not your home
you belong here in te light
where everything is alright


thats just two random verses



another recent bit of stuff


i cant let you go away
and i dont know what to say
to make you change your mind
without you i cant find
my way
to tell you how i feel
but im scared
and unprepared

all i know is this
i cant live without you
if ignorance is bliss
then you dont have a clue

you make me feel love
and a little hate
seeking guidance from above
before it is too late