so its 5 am.
i had to take it easy tonight at work, i kinda have been feeling fainty. and i kinda ended up falling over into a pile of printers tonight.
woo

i realised something tho.
i have the most fantastic boyfriend.

he got up at 8 am with me to take me to the doctors, and heald my hand while i got a blood test.
he was ok with me calling at 3 am because i wanted to hear his voice.
i dont know what i did to get a guy as amaizing as him.
i just wish i knew how to show him exactly how much i care about him.

i never thought i could move on from the guys in my past.
now i have no question.

heh. its kinda weird having such a positive post (well... oter than the fainting ><)

back to "learn to fly"
http://armorgames.com/play/3789/learn-to-fly

so i was reading some of my old posts
and wow i really wanna cry right now.
i realy wish i had someone to talk to right now. but its 3 am... everyone is asleep...
i dont know what to do sometimes.
i wish i could change the past.

sometimes i wonder what is going to happen
and sometimes?
im scared.
maybe kingsley was right.
maybe no one will ever love me.
is that too depressing?
maybe after giving up everything for one guy...
maybe its become hard.

but maybe i found a guy who makes things worth it again.
maybe he makes my world spin faster, and time stand still.
you know... after the last guy... i never thought i could move on, or feel that way about another.
and yet... hes different.
and i have moved on.
and then some.

so im working nights now. just on break. woo
yay working from 10 pm to 6 am
but the pay is good.
although it gives me time to think.


what am i doing with my life
where am i going to go?

i moved out.
im living on my own.

i never thought growing up would be this hard.

i listen to music a lot while working night.

and a few lyrics stick in my mind

"thank you, you made my mind up for me, when youm started to ignore me, do you see a single tear, it isn't gonna happen here"

"the last time i saw you you turned away, i said hello but you kept on walking"

"where to begin, lets start with the end, this black and white photo, never captured my skin, once it was torn, by an enemy thorn, straight through the core, the war was in color"

well back to work.

Take my hand
I’ll be everything your dreaming of
I’ll do anything cause you’re my love
I’ll tell you everything
I need you here tonight

And days they go
Oh so slow sometimes
So we should go
We’ve practiced all our lines
And I don’t know what I’d ever do alone

Chorus:
And these days go on
What do we do
We stay strong
You know I need you
And these words, this song
You know that its true
I wrote it all for you

And sometimes things
They just have to change change
And sometimes life
Is just rearranged
And everything will go
According to plan

But we’re still afraid
Of going our own ways
Though time is paid
Through all the passing days
And life goes on
Even when we’re gone

so
i guess i should probably post more often eh?
im moving out in... a week
im working 2 jobs
did i mntion i got a new job?
currently i am listening to "what is love"
why is it that people are cionfessing feelings fr me now?
i still love him.
i still would give up the world for him.

but what can i do?
nothing
eventyually i will move on
but dont push me.
cause its not gonna work

also
my mum was asking me to transfer my scollarship $ to my brother.
she thinks im not ever going back to uni
i may.
right now? i dunno
i wanna get some stuff sorted out first
so i dont wanna just make it not an option

and yet, today i asked her to transfer 20$ over from one of my accounts to another
money that i earned, through work.
and yet that was aparently a horrible thing for me to do
because i am "not gonna be prepared for my future."

so wait
hand over my scollarships so that someone else can use them... which leaves me sol if i do decide to go
but you cant spend 20$ on food

that makes sense eh?




i have been having so many nightmares latley

one about a specific guy
who did something horrible to me
and yet... he has always made me feel like it was My fault.
im not that peorson anymore. im not taking that bullshit anymore.

be aware. if you try to force yourself on me, persuade me to do stuff with me...
we are through
i am not gonna just forgive that anymore

i should never have had to.




take my hand,
i'll be anything your dreaming of
i'll do anything cause your my love
i'll tell you everything
i need you here tonight
and days they go
oh so slow sometimes
so we should go
we've practiced all our lines
and i dont know
what i'd ever do alone

and these days go on
what do we do
we stay strong
you know i need you
and these words
this song
you know that it's true
i wrote it all for you




yeah its not finished
but it has guitar music too!!!
im getting better at it!


i miss how things used to be
i was so... inocent

i miss you kaya
i really do.
you changed me
i wish i could tell you
hey. im not taking guys shit anymore
hey. im moving out
hey. it didnt have to end that way
hey. i never ment what i said.



but what can you do eh?
nothing.
im so cold

and its midnight
i will write more soon.
Shadowstich

a million lines of song flows through my head.

theres so much going on

and i dont know how to take all of it.

i dont know if i wanna fix things with you anymore. the person i am hopefully obviously angry with in the last post, lets call him kaya

kaya. i was hoping i was just paranoid.

but yes, my status's are about you.

deal with it.

im sorry about everything.

i really am.

if you let me know i couldas tried to fix things.

but i realise that even now... if i tried... i would never trust you.

so this is it then.

well here i am, slightly worse for wear.
i cant beleive you
that you'd do this
you think im weird?
i figured that was fucking obvious to begin with
im annoying for texting you?
maybe cause i was wanting to hang out or even talk.
you never said anything was wrong
you took the cowards way out
are you happy now?
nah. your gonna fuck things up.

why do things change so much?
why is it i cant do what i would have done a few weeks ago?
why do you see me as more than i see myself?
you dont know me... you shouldnt have such high expectations for me.
but one moment... your telling me i can be more than i am now...
the next moment you are throwing my past in my face and saying that i have done really stupid things.

i dont know who reads this now...
so i cant say exactly what is on my mind

even though i want to
because fuck...

every time you say stuff like that...

it feels like you have stabbed me in the heart

but what do i do?

nothing.

i pretend that it doesnt crush me

i pretend that everything is fine


because maybe if i pretend hard enough... it becomes real

thats what kept everything away for half a year eh?

"maybe its better that way, maybe no one should know?"

i wanna go to the cliffs... but only once it warms up a bit.

every time i go there i wanna cry.
cause it hurts
but i cant explain

i make less and less sense these days huh?
ciao

so apparently i have a reader
and possibly a few stalkers
WOOHOO
thus i will post more

so i dont think i mentioned but my room is painted.
picture will come... in a few days,

i found a song i wrote... almost a year ago

here it is

This is the moment that you’ll throw it all, throw it all away

This is the final time, cause I’m sick of knowing not quite what to say

This is the heartbreak and the fears

This is the heartache and the tears

But i want none of this

Never wanted any of this

Cant take this pain

going insane

This confusion and despair

did you ever care

About everything

About anything

Cause things got too deep

But im not yours to keep

Cause i never wanted this

Any of this

This is the moment that you’ll never know you’ll never know

This is the feeling that you never learned quite how to show
this is the pain, this is the doubt

This is being trapped and wanting out

But i don’t want this

No i never wanted this

Chorus

This is the hopes and dreams that are way to high in demand

This is the expectation never reached , unable to stand

This is the time thats reached its end

This is the hope that we’ll defend

But i never want this

Never, ever wanted this

it mmay allready be in here somewhere. but ima work on doing guitar for it.
and a bit of rewriting maybe
cause it doesnt quite flow at the moment.

so much has happened
and the last person i expected to help me did.
a guy i have known for... 8 days...
i still dont know why.
im very gratefull.
and i think he is fantastic...
i think for the point of this blog his name shall be kitten.
because he acts like one in some ways.
and because he is even more loveable than a kittehn

i still dont know why he helped me so much.
it was... unexpected to say the least.

as a response to the last comment?
what do you mean?
who is that?
cause chances are is i never forgot you.
just cause someone moves on doesnt mean you mean nothing to them.
so chances are i didnt forget you.


so on an completely different note
i may end up needing blood testing dont tomorrow for my random faintyness
woohoo

so... my thoughts are very scattered in this...
what is with guys wanting in my pants?
im not interested.
seriously
text message today went along the lines of "so i heard you were feeling down? i can chear you up ;)" aka "i will sleep with you and that'll make you feel better!"
guess what?
sex wont make me feel beter
boys i am not your sex toy.
so stop trying to treat me like one


yeah life has treated me rough latley. but some things make life worth it.
like the Starbuchs Kitten.
and ms/ lion
and E.
E being my friend. not the drug.

take it easy, cause some things will just get you down if you let them.

sometimes i wish you could understand that i dont always want that.
that sometimes i just want you.
that right now i feel sick, i wanna puke.
cause i am not yours anymore
you made that clear
so why do you stop me from moving on?
what to do?

cause i cant take this any more.
it hurts too much.

so "i'll dream this away, and come back another day, when im less afraid of it all"

i dont know what to do anymore
i feel so... broken
no one knows who i used to be. not that side of me... not to that extent
but i changed for you
i was loyal to you.
but that doesnt matter does it?
cause you never loved me.
i can still remember the summer. although looking back at those memories makes me want to cry.
i think my emotions overloaded

cause i wanna cry, but something keeps me "happy"
i close my eyes and try to sleep and i hear voices screaming.
"not this again, make it stop" keeps calling through my head.
an then i hear a fimiliar voice, trying to tempt me back to insanity.
what do i do?
cause i wish i could die.
cause im too weak to resist forever.
even if i am afraid

but why?
ask.

so i finally found love
sure he isnt perfect
but he is way better than most guys i have been with.
there is one other that i could compare aproximatly equally to
but i dont love him. not that way
this guy actually treats me well
he doesnt use me
he cares about me
he puts up with me when im a moody bitch :)

i think he is amaizing

but my friends... dont think the same
at least not the one that matters.

my parents also hate him.
just cause he wont meet them.

i tried to tell my mum that he made me supper
or that we were doing stuff in a game that was really cool.
she told me she didnt care and didnt want to hear about it

so what am i suposed to do?

this last week has ben hell
explination?
well im moving out on friday
i love him... but he is so distant latley
grampas funeral is on thursday (2 days from now)

last things first
My grampa was hit by a truck on sunday night.
im still in shock.

who is he?
wouldnt you like to know.
im trying not to bother him when he is busy. these last few days i have been upset and needing a friend.
thats what i have noticed
whwnever i really need a friend
some are busy
some just dont respond...
and some try and use it as an oppertunity
cause
fuck

this is the conversation went

guy "im really sorry for your loss. anything i can do at all to help ;) take your mind off things?"
me "what do you mean by that?"

in the end he tried to get in my pants

i know i am decent looking
suposidly im seductive

but im still human
so treat me like one

uh...
moving out
so my parents gave me a choice
no computers
tv
hanging out
dating
cellphone
life

the only way i could date was if they got to see his transcripts
im sorry.
but no
just
no.


i dont know what to do sometimes
do i give up?
follow his advice?
i cant
even though...
its probably right

i have noticed that i can be on msn and facebook almost all day... and not get a single message
from anyone
its times like this...
when im allready upset
that i feel truley alone
like no one really cares.

what do you do when everything changes?
dont know what anything is anymore
dont know whats right
am i making the right choice?
huge step eh?
choices are:
live at home, no dating, computers, tv, friends, phone...
or move
my mum called me a sex addicted alchoholic...
what do you say to that?
comment please!

how do i say that im scared
me... the one who everyone sees as tough
i hate feeling weak...
cause every time i do show weakness i get hurt.
hes a great guy... but most wont approve.
so what do i do.
aparently the answer is...
i fall for him
even though everything is up in the air
even though i might just end up getting hurt.
but im sick of missing chances cause of fear.
i dont know what to do
id do anything to make you smile.
to take away your pain.
i hope you know that.
another song.
working on guitar...
the normal.
i guess im happy, cause she is gone.
but all i care about right now is you... i want you to be okay.

why?

things make me wonder...
what is real
and what is fake
what does one do with all the questions that cant be asked?
what do i say to you?
how do tell you everything im unable to?
what is the answer?

im so confused
about everything
except a few things
a few things make sense.
theres a layer of uncertanty...
but not total doubt.

we'll see how things turn out.
Shadowstich

Hello there readers
i know a few people look at this.
but who?
do you enjoy my ranting?
do you know me personally?
new song coming soon!

personal response

Personal Response, Blogger Style.

Blog post 271: Memories
June 3rd.
It’s Thursday. The day everything changed. I graduate tomorrow, but all I can think about is today. Yes I am worried about tomorrow. What if I trip? What if I’m not called? What if..? I question too much. What is so important about today? A chunk of my past was revealed to my parents. Something I never wanted them to find out. Something that I had blocked out of my mind for a few years, and then kept hidden in the back of my mind for the next three. How does one block something from their mind? I’m not sure… Those memories are too painful for me to handle sometimes. And yet the events of the past have shaped me today. Yet, the pain from remembering won’t quite reach the pain of seeing the look on their faces. Their reactions… They both didn’t say a word… then they asked for details. I wouldn’t give them the details. Yes I know the basics of what happened… but I don’t want to remember everything. If I could remember everything clearly… would that change anything? Would I be able to tell them? I’m not sure. I remember my dad, speaking clearly “if you don’t give us details… we won’t believe you.” I couldn’t tell them. They kicked me out of the appointment with the psychologist.

I will never forget this day.

Cause today? Is the day that I learnt that I couldn’t rely on my parents for help or support. I learnt that random strangers will go out of their way to help when they see someone crying. I learnt that when I went off crying and hid in the computer lab… that people who didn’t know me, didn’t have any reason to care… were trying to find me, to keep me safe.

These memories will live with me forever.
This reminds me of the excerpt: Four Letters of Love. The author who wrote that went through the same thing. Watching as something is said that completely changes life. The lines fit so accurately to mine. Yes the situation is different. But the result is the same. “Then, my head resting on fists, I sat and listened to the end of my childhood.” That is a line from the novel. And yet it is identical to how I felt. Do we hold on to everything we can? Even what hurts? Do we hold on to the events that change our lives even if we don’t want to?
Yes, because we have to. We have to live through everything, and hold on to everything. Why? Because even if remembering something now doesn’t seem important… it will be 20 years from now.
Thanks for reading, thanks for caring. Shadowstich

Blog post 272: Graduation
June 9th
I have been thinking a lot about the past. Memories. I graduated recently. I don’t think I will ever forget that day. The principle telling us that we technically did not graduate, that we still could fail. Our principle is a great guy… but his speeches are the most depressing things I have heard. You could see everyone’s self esteem floating away. I watched as name after name was called, as the choir sang out, as my friend played piano, as the people cheered. These details will fade away, but the general idea will always be here.

I have been thinking about the past a lot.
In grade 10 I started this blog because of a friend. And I can read back to then…
I went from a scared little kid who thought life was hopeless… to this, a more self assured almost adult. My blog is both where I share my life, and store my memories.
Reading some of the posts make me remember so much… stuff long forgotten.

The lines “I miss you, love you, hate you, but still I thank you” they went something like that. And I remember everything that happened those days. Like The smell of the rain as I sat in the center of a field that was reduced to cinder from a fire. Did you know you had such an impact on me? That you still are in my mind and memories?

The truth is… I still miss you, I still think about you… I use the memories, the lessons that you taught me… and with them I make my future.

Good job on graduating. Shadowstich.

Blog post 273:
June 13th
My first final exam: English 30-1 was today. The question for the personal response struck me deeply. You know how focused on memories I have been? The question was “what do these texts suggest to you about the significance of our memory of the past.” All I could think about was everything I have been writing about for the last while. The texts suggested how important it is to hold on to our memories. There is a brochure about an archival place.

This blog is where I archive important things. I believe that as an individual and a collective whole, we must do everything to keep our memories and out pasts, to remember them, learn from them, but not dwell in the past. Our past is what has shaped us, got us to this point of life. I believe that we must never let go of the past, both the good and bad, because… what is the point of doing something if you don’t use the experiences to further ones self. That is the significance of out memories of the past. Learning, shaping ones self, moving on, but never forgetting what has happened.

Yes I am writing about an English final, because it made me think. Hello to me, 20 years from now, reading this, looking back at life, remembering the past, but living in the now. I know I will read this. Because it is important to remember, to look back for a moment, just for a moment mind you, and see what has shaped the person who one has become.

Remember to remember even when you want to forget.
Shadowstich.

(ps this is my english response, no i dont have a time machine, all was written today)

so my parents found out about things.
about my past
and now i cant talk to them... they are SO mad
i dont know what to do. they kicked me out of the psycology meeting
and they wonder why i didnt tell them?
cause i knew they would react this way
its not that i dont trust them
its that they didn't need to know
and now they do
and i really want to kill myself.
too blunt?
probably
i wont.
but i want to
cause i dont know how to face them
cause they will never understand...
and i cant just explain everything to them
cause i dont remember the EXACT details about that event
i kinda dont want to
and i dont want to explain every little thing to them
i dont know what to do.
i dont want to go home
i graduate tomorrow
and i hate my life