stolen from someone who stole it from someone else... who stole if from someone else... and so on

I AM … very confused
I WANT…everything to be ok
I HAVE … a new camera
I WISH I COULD … talk to you, and have you talk back. and to know what actually going on in your mind
I HATE … when you lie to me.
I FEAR … having no friends... i've been there
I HEAR … music... from my headphones. secondhand serenade
I DON’T THINK … holding back tears is good for me... one of these days im gonna break down again
I REGRET … that i dont show all my emotions... cause i no longer know how to show them normaly
I LOVE …m friends and family
I AM NOT … going to give up, or break a promise...
I DANCE … really badly... and like a guy
I SING … my own words... songs are just stories with tunes to me
I NEVER … knew what to put here
I RARELY … show myself to people... my true self
I CRY WHEN I WATCH … i dont cry to movies... but im listening to its not over... and trying so hard not to cry... as im not alone
I AM NOT ALWAYS … a optimistic person... im just really good at faking it
I HATE THAT … im so annoying... and people wonttell me how to fix it.
I’M CONFUSED ABOUT …life??? you...
I NEED … someone to talk to...
I SHOULD … be satisfied with where i am... instead of trying for more

i have a camera now.
i took that picture at 6:55 thismorning at school.
yes i was there early.
to see all the pictures i have taken check facebook.

its amaizing the differences between grade 10 and 11

and then theres more awkward situation


natt finds out i like this guy eric


"eric" she motions him over
and in a singsong voice
"victoria has a crush on you"
at that point i was actually too stunned to react.
which was a goodthing

she thinks one day i will thank her
thing is... i have liked him since grade 10 begun.
he was... for the most part, a secret crush.
and now i cant talk to him cause im way too shy.
which sucks because i was starting to actually become friends with him.

dedication time

g: im still confused at where its at. but im still glad to know you. im glad we are in band together (sorry you got 2nd horn) band trips will be intresting... (and confusing since im in both bands) you have taught me some very valuble lessons... alas spelling was not one of them.

joe: (as j is taken...) im so glad you are my friend. you have made work fun. and disturbing.
if i had one word to describe our friendship... it would be... PUTAWAYS
cause we are just that cool. and yes i will keep my promises... one question... does messageing you on fb count? dont worry. i told you i would tell you if i needed to.

zuli: i miss you a lot. i want to hang with you. can you all sometime? i need someone to go to the clifs with... for a photo taking spree... and i neet a good pict of you... cause the video i have of you has you trying to be a whoreable person.

j: im listening to two secondhand serenade cd's right now... and there are picts of you on facebook. i love you. you know that tho. im glad you are here for me... to talk to, sing with, listen to... and listen to laugh at me... i am here for you. no matter what.

erin: i miss you a lot. i miss talking to you about everything... boys... i no longer mouth the words to songs... or sing on the bus... i hope everything is going well for you. and i hope someday i can see you again.

logan. you have intresting advice... and im so sorry i punched you in the face... i feel so bad.
and i dont always have ice with me... i miss talking to you. cause its only at martial arts we talk. can we hang???

anyone else???

i duno... there are other people i could add...
but who reads this?
i duno anymore

i will post new song soon
but for now
peace
Shadowstich

100th post

so much has changed.
when i started this i was friends with someone
he was why i started this.
and there is no way i can fix things.
and i have stopped trying.
because it will go nowhere
but i have new friends...
mostly (well compleatly) from work
so much i could write about.
like the fact i like someone, and their sister hates me :P

and suposidley an ex boyfriend still likes me?
i have no clue what that is about.

im listening to a band called secondhand serenade
really good band.

and i get to deal with issues...
so im gonna stop blogging
as issues must stay private

99th post.
why did i start this?
im on break with 17 minutes left.
listening to music, with no clue what to write
i still dont know if i should try to record a cd.
because i honestly dont know if im any good.

doubtinging everything i know,
doubtfull of what i know.
i want to sing right now...
but other people are here.
i dont know if i should be sociable...
maybe
or maybe not

its sad how easily friendships can break.
one second everything seems fine.
and then everything comes out.
and the friendship falls apart

but it there is a fight
and the friendship somehow stays, it gets stronger
or weeker
depends on the situation.
well im ranting

this is my 98th post.
done in the break room at my work.

i dont know if anyone reads this anymore
as the one guy who did, im hoping wont anymore.
g. you asked me to stay out of your life
so please do the same.

im going to go change for work
PEACE

(if you read this, omment and i will write more often)
Shadowstich

random song stuff

the night is gone so don't you fear
please dont shed another tear
know everything will be ok
no matter what the others say

you dont have to walk alone
the darkness is not your home
you belong here in te light
where everything is alright


thats just two random verses



another recent bit of stuff


i cant let you go away
and i dont know what to say
to make you change your mind
without you i cant find
my way
to tell you how i feel
but im scared
and unprepared

all i know is this
i cant live without you
if ignorance is bliss
then you dont have a clue

you make me feel love
and a little hate
seeking guidance from above
before it is too late

right now i am so close to crying i dont know why.
its not the sad kind of crying, or the happy kind.
think is, i keep stopping myself.
its a habbit.
thing is
i dont cry
i dont want to appear weak.
and inside im human
i feel
lost
confusion
anger
pain
i dont know if theres a feeling for this, but expecting a betrayal
afraid
scared
empty
weak...
so many times i dont want to be human.
but these last two weeks... i have really lived my life for once
this week... im going to continue doing so
im going to do things i regret... but im only human
i have one life to live...
and im learning to enjoy it.
i dont know how to put this, so iot may not make sence

for the longest time i have had the one person, who i trusted with everything.
my mom untill i started becoming depressed...
then logan
then josh...
then g...
i always had someone
and well...
right now i dont
well... in a way i have zuli... but its different...
but its like im learning how to walk, how to really walk...
i put all my trust in these guys (i just realised... all three are very atractive) (i am high of energy drink)
and then suddnley i didnt have hands to catch me when i fell...
and in that case i tripped and fell on my face...

but then i got up, learned how to step.
and i had friends to help me up. but also forced me not to lean against them.
and i feel as if i can "walk" on my own.


i have been going to the clifs more often now...
always with zuli...
is n amaizing lace...
except for construction...
when i get my camera i may go there.
i will have to ask someones permision to go alone if i cant get zuli to come.

the motto quote thingy "everything happens for a reason" comes to mind

and im not glad i got hurt
but im glad it happened, because i feel stronger
do i have a goal?
yes.
my goal is to keep on "walking"
im not going to run, cause im not going to rush through life.

for everyone, especially anyone who has been depressed, or is,
things get better...
im here to help if anyone needs it.

take care all
peace out
ShadowStich

well...
its been a long time since my last post.
and ive really thought a lot.
i am annoying.
and if i am any where as annoying as a guy from work, then i would want to shoot me.
cause damn...
but im rambling.
i am very happy right now, and covered with mosquito bites.
it comes from lying in a field for an hour and a half.

i now work at staples.
where i have made new friends and er.... not so friendly acquaintances
i wonder if some things are different now.

to one reader (if he chooses to read): yes i miss talking to you, but i understand now why you made your choice, and i respect it.

to j, haha sleepovers are awesome. and i really should annunciate...
to c... welcome home soon.

anyone i miss?
does anyne read this anymore.
cause with one reader most likley gone, and j only reading when asked...
well i guess i will write to the silence.

well im dun going on.
i will shut up now

oh.
fyi, i have a bunny

peace
shadowstich

i wish this didnt hurt so much
i wish i could change things.
the truth is i miss you.
and im so fucking depressed right now
and so out of it
why?
well part of it is im on the wrong medication
which has left me with the following side effects:
nausea
depression
lack of focus
jittery
scared
lonleyness
shaky


Lumine says:
whats eating you?
Shadowstich aka Victoria, says:
im just really sad.
Lumine says:
because of the guy you got in a fight with?
Shadowstich, says:
yup
Lumine says:
ah
Shadowstich aka Victoria, says:
:(
Lumine says:
you shouldn't be bothered to much by it
Lumine says:
well
Lumine says:
i guess you've got a right to be
Lumine says:
then if it messes with you this much
Lumine says:
go talk to him
Lumine says:
try and fix it
Shadowstich aka Victoria, says:
im afraid to


well thats my conversation with a friend right now.
to be honest.
im terified of talking to you.
yes this post is directed at you.
or this part is.

i dont want to get hurt

but i just sent you a message via facebook.

this isnt just goodbye

the begining is going through my head

Please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is I can't stand you
This is where the road
crashed into the ocean
It rises all around me
And now we're barely breathing
A thousand faces we'll choose to ignore

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy

I listen to you cry
A cry for less attention
But both my hands are tied
And I'm pushed into the deep end
I listen to you talk but talk is cheap
And my mouth is filled with blood
From trying not to speak

So search for an excuse
And someone to believe you
In foreign dressing rooms
I'm empty with the need to

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation is leaving me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy

Please understand

Lay rotting where I fall
I'm dead from bad intentions
Suffocated and embalmed
And now all our dreams are cashed in
You swore you wouldn't lose
then lost your brain
You make a sound that feels like pain

So please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is I can't stand you


this is the first time since things happened that i can even type
i think its because of who i just hung out with
thanks zuli.


so much i want to say to you, but i cant
i dont know if i will continue writing in this,
as i have lost pretty much my only reader.

if you dont know what im talking about, you never will.
because its personal.


i still find myself praying for you.
as weird as it sounds.

im so glad i still have you as a friend zuli, as i dont think i could stand any guys after this.
and sorry about earlier... and damn your heavy...

haha
that made my day.
thanks


well im off,
peace
ShadowStich, aka, whoever i am, aka
the annoying brat who no one can stand,

I never meant the things I said
To make you cry
Can I say I'm sorry
It's hard to forget
And yes I regret
All these mistakes
I don't know why you're leaving Me
But I know you must have your reasons
There's tears in your eyes
I watch as you cry
But it's getting late

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I'm wanting in
What was I just about to discover
When I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
Guess I'll never know

Remember when we scratched our names into the sand
And told me you loved me
But now that I find
That you've changed your mind
I'm lost for words
And everything I feel for you
I wrote down on one piece of paper
The one in your hand
You won't understand
How much it hurts to let you go

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I'm wanting in
What was I just about to discover
I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
Guess I'll never know

All this time you've been telling me lies
Hidden in bags that are under your eyes
And when I asked you I knew I was right
But if you turn your back on me now
When I need you most
But you chose to let me down
Won't you think about what you're about to do to me
And back down...

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I'm wanting in
What was I just about to discover
I got too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I'm wanting in
What was I just about to discover
When I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
I guess I'll never know...



fuck
this song has been going through my head, repeatedly.
and maybe you will be able to figure out why.


as humans we really lie to each other way too much
and all the lies do is make the truth hurt so much more at a later day.

its like we build a web of lies
and then the truth comes out, and it all unravels,
leaving the person trapped in the web confused and alone...

am i mad at you
no
am i hurt.
no.
because i knew deep down that you cant stand me.


fuck
i talked to one girl. who i havnt talked to since she finaly gave up hiding the truth from me over msn.
and want to know what the truth was.
it was that she couldnt stand me.
that im an annoying little imature pest.

and she is not the only person who has done it.

so yeah...
shes trying to be my friend now
and it feels like she is only doing it out of... pity.
and it hurts.
so much.

oh yes
im going to a wedding saturday
my cousin is marring her high school teacher

does age really matter?

gah
love is confusing
and theres so much i want to write
but
cant
for various reasons.

there are some things i should be mad about, but im not
because i cant change it.

lets hope martial arts turns out better tonight.

just a quick update
ive been busy
life is not fun
im swamped with math
and having issues which i cant talk about
i really miss one friend, as he and i have been unable to talk latley, and he is at work right now...
but hopefully i can get to martial arts tomorrow and see him
i really shouldnt do martial arts when tired
lets see
i accidently canned troy
and then doing sholder rolls
over our partners
i was with a friend, a good friend,
and well
we were supposed to roll over them.
it was going well
suddenly my mind goes blank and i run and fall over on him...
that was fun

and yes g, some things do need to be said.



im so tired
and confused
im fine right now, for the most part, im having some issues (but who doesnt)
but one of my friends is going through a horrible situation.
and so i have been helping her
and girl, i will always be here for you.

i dont know what to type.
im so tired
but i may teach tonight.

i have some things to type up.

but wont do so right now.

i hope everyones summer is going well
peace
Shadowstich

sometimes i really worry about some of you.
the thing is, ive offered help in the past
and its a standing thing
i'd offer again, but i dont think you would accept my help.
i care about all of you.
and i really want to help you if i can.
so if you want my help leave a message text or whatever.

the stampede is insane
i felt sick for so much of yesterday
im pretty sure it was the corn dog
and the atmosphere
i was getting to the point where i wanted to kill things

i think that may be in my system still...
and one reader, i know exactly how you feel with the wanting to hurt people.

fuck
every once and awhile i want to hurt people around me, those i care about
and it really doesnt help that im kind of depressed right now
thing is im bringing it on myself... i know this
but i cant help being pessimistic and expecting the worst in relationships.

im so worried something will go wrong
that i will screw up
or get used
or cheated on
and it hurts
i want to trust, but its hard
because every once and awhile i trust too much
and then get hurt

eh
thinking
sometimes i will say im doing fine, just so that other people dont feel the need to try to help me
you got sick of me always saying my problems, so i've stopped, for the most part.

everyone has problems...
i have to many to list
do you want examples?
im highly adhd
im paranoid
i enjoy pain
i enjoy inflicting pain
i have conversations in my head
i know like... 6 ways to kill people with bare hands

there are countless others
but i will be fine
bye
shadowstich

well i cant really think.
its weird
last night i went to bed at around 11 ish... i then proceeded to lie awake until probably 5 or 6
it wasn't the lying awake with too much on your mind
my mind was pretty empty
i wanted to sleep but couldn't
and i've spent a lot of the day learning math
my head hurts
have i eaten today?
i think so
lets see
half a wrap, and some chips.
thing is, i feel like if i eat anything i will be sick.
although im running of 3-4 hours of sleep i feel very energetic right now.
i feel so weird right now...
i may be getting sick...
hope not
later
shadowstich

oh.
what changes should i make to the layout?
i've made some already

some day you could comment...
i cant write, my brain hurts, i learned a month of math in an hour
it was very painful.
i really hope everything is ok with you people.
if you need help, just ask.
love you all
shadowstich

Slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
So please just break the silence

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

And I'm longing, for words to describe how I'm feeling
I'm feeling inspired
My world just flip turned upside down
It turns around, saw that's that sound
It's my heart beat, it's getting much louder
My heart beat, is louder than ever
I'm feeling alive, I'm feeling alive

My whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up, and let your love right through me
I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up, and let your love right through me
That's what you get
When you see your life in someone else's eyes
That's what you get, that's what you get

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you
This world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you


thats the words to the song i posted

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7Nwfwv6ayA

listen to the song
it is amaizing

new song #1

new song
when you think everythings gone wrong
and you're full of dispare
everyday goes on far too long
and no one seems to care

just think of all the good in life
dont think about the bad
dont focus on youre strife
remember good times you had