a million lines of song flows through my head.

theres so much going on

and i dont know how to take all of it.

i dont know if i wanna fix things with you anymore. the person i am hopefully obviously angry with in the last post, lets call him kaya

kaya. i was hoping i was just paranoid.

but yes, my status's are about you.

deal with it.

im sorry about everything.

i really am.

if you let me know i couldas tried to fix things.

but i realise that even now... if i tried... i would never trust you.

so this is it then.

well here i am, slightly worse for wear.
i cant beleive you
that you'd do this
you think im weird?
i figured that was fucking obvious to begin with
im annoying for texting you?
maybe cause i was wanting to hang out or even talk.
you never said anything was wrong
you took the cowards way out
are you happy now?
nah. your gonna fuck things up.

why do things change so much?
why is it i cant do what i would have done a few weeks ago?
why do you see me as more than i see myself?
you dont know me... you shouldnt have such high expectations for me.
but one moment... your telling me i can be more than i am now...
the next moment you are throwing my past in my face and saying that i have done really stupid things.

i dont know who reads this now...
so i cant say exactly what is on my mind

even though i want to
because fuck...

every time you say stuff like that...

it feels like you have stabbed me in the heart

but what do i do?

nothing.

i pretend that it doesnt crush me

i pretend that everything is fine


because maybe if i pretend hard enough... it becomes real

thats what kept everything away for half a year eh?

"maybe its better that way, maybe no one should know?"

i wanna go to the cliffs... but only once it warms up a bit.

every time i go there i wanna cry.
cause it hurts
but i cant explain

i make less and less sense these days huh?
ciao

so apparently i have a reader
and possibly a few stalkers
WOOHOO
thus i will post more

so i dont think i mentioned but my room is painted.
picture will come... in a few days,

i found a song i wrote... almost a year ago

here it is

This is the moment that you’ll throw it all, throw it all away

This is the final time, cause I’m sick of knowing not quite what to say

This is the heartbreak and the fears

This is the heartache and the tears

But i want none of this

Never wanted any of this

Cant take this pain

going insane

This confusion and despair

did you ever care

About everything

About anything

Cause things got too deep

But im not yours to keep

Cause i never wanted this

Any of this

This is the moment that you’ll never know you’ll never know

This is the feeling that you never learned quite how to show
this is the pain, this is the doubt

This is being trapped and wanting out

But i don’t want this

No i never wanted this

Chorus

This is the hopes and dreams that are way to high in demand

This is the expectation never reached , unable to stand

This is the time thats reached its end

This is the hope that we’ll defend

But i never want this

Never, ever wanted this

it mmay allready be in here somewhere. but ima work on doing guitar for it.
and a bit of rewriting maybe
cause it doesnt quite flow at the moment.

so much has happened
and the last person i expected to help me did.
a guy i have known for... 8 days...
i still dont know why.
im very gratefull.
and i think he is fantastic...
i think for the point of this blog his name shall be kitten.
because he acts like one in some ways.
and because he is even more loveable than a kittehn

i still dont know why he helped me so much.
it was... unexpected to say the least.

as a response to the last comment?
what do you mean?
who is that?
cause chances are is i never forgot you.
just cause someone moves on doesnt mean you mean nothing to them.
so chances are i didnt forget you.


so on an completely different note
i may end up needing blood testing dont tomorrow for my random faintyness
woohoo

so... my thoughts are very scattered in this...
what is with guys wanting in my pants?
im not interested.
seriously
text message today went along the lines of "so i heard you were feeling down? i can chear you up ;)" aka "i will sleep with you and that'll make you feel better!"
guess what?
sex wont make me feel beter
boys i am not your sex toy.
so stop trying to treat me like one


yeah life has treated me rough latley. but some things make life worth it.
like the Starbuchs Kitten.
and ms/ lion
and E.
E being my friend. not the drug.

take it easy, cause some things will just get you down if you let them.

sometimes i wish you could understand that i dont always want that.
that sometimes i just want you.
that right now i feel sick, i wanna puke.
cause i am not yours anymore
you made that clear
so why do you stop me from moving on?
what to do?

cause i cant take this any more.
it hurts too much.

so "i'll dream this away, and come back another day, when im less afraid of it all"

i dont know what to do anymore
i feel so... broken
no one knows who i used to be. not that side of me... not to that extent
but i changed for you
i was loyal to you.
but that doesnt matter does it?
cause you never loved me.
i can still remember the summer. although looking back at those memories makes me want to cry.
i think my emotions overloaded

cause i wanna cry, but something keeps me "happy"
i close my eyes and try to sleep and i hear voices screaming.
"not this again, make it stop" keeps calling through my head.
an then i hear a fimiliar voice, trying to tempt me back to insanity.
what do i do?
cause i wish i could die.
cause im too weak to resist forever.
even if i am afraid

but why?
ask.

so i finally found love
sure he isnt perfect
but he is way better than most guys i have been with.
there is one other that i could compare aproximatly equally to
but i dont love him. not that way
this guy actually treats me well
he doesnt use me
he cares about me
he puts up with me when im a moody bitch :)

i think he is amaizing

but my friends... dont think the same
at least not the one that matters.

my parents also hate him.
just cause he wont meet them.

i tried to tell my mum that he made me supper
or that we were doing stuff in a game that was really cool.
she told me she didnt care and didnt want to hear about it

so what am i suposed to do?

this last week has ben hell
explination?
well im moving out on friday
i love him... but he is so distant latley
grampas funeral is on thursday (2 days from now)

last things first
My grampa was hit by a truck on sunday night.
im still in shock.

who is he?
wouldnt you like to know.
im trying not to bother him when he is busy. these last few days i have been upset and needing a friend.
thats what i have noticed
whwnever i really need a friend
some are busy
some just dont respond...
and some try and use it as an oppertunity
cause
fuck

this is the conversation went

guy "im really sorry for your loss. anything i can do at all to help ;) take your mind off things?"
me "what do you mean by that?"

in the end he tried to get in my pants

i know i am decent looking
suposidly im seductive

but im still human
so treat me like one

uh...
moving out
so my parents gave me a choice
no computers
tv
hanging out
dating
cellphone
life

the only way i could date was if they got to see his transcripts
im sorry.
but no
just
no.


i dont know what to do sometimes
do i give up?
follow his advice?
i cant
even though...
its probably right

i have noticed that i can be on msn and facebook almost all day... and not get a single message
from anyone
its times like this...
when im allready upset
that i feel truley alone
like no one really cares.

what do you do when everything changes?
dont know what anything is anymore
dont know whats right
am i making the right choice?
huge step eh?
choices are:
live at home, no dating, computers, tv, friends, phone...
or move
my mum called me a sex addicted alchoholic...
what do you say to that?
comment please!

how do i say that im scared
me... the one who everyone sees as tough
i hate feeling weak...
cause every time i do show weakness i get hurt.
hes a great guy... but most wont approve.
so what do i do.
aparently the answer is...
i fall for him
even though everything is up in the air
even though i might just end up getting hurt.
but im sick of missing chances cause of fear.
i dont know what to do
id do anything to make you smile.
to take away your pain.
i hope you know that.
another song.
working on guitar...
the normal.
i guess im happy, cause she is gone.
but all i care about right now is you... i want you to be okay.

why?

things make me wonder...
what is real
and what is fake
what does one do with all the questions that cant be asked?
what do i say to you?
how do tell you everything im unable to?
what is the answer?

im so confused
about everything
except a few things
a few things make sense.
theres a layer of uncertanty...
but not total doubt.

we'll see how things turn out.
Shadowstich

Hello there readers
i know a few people look at this.
but who?
do you enjoy my ranting?
do you know me personally?
new song coming soon!

personal response

Personal Response, Blogger Style.

Blog post 271: Memories
June 3rd.
It’s Thursday. The day everything changed. I graduate tomorrow, but all I can think about is today. Yes I am worried about tomorrow. What if I trip? What if I’m not called? What if..? I question too much. What is so important about today? A chunk of my past was revealed to my parents. Something I never wanted them to find out. Something that I had blocked out of my mind for a few years, and then kept hidden in the back of my mind for the next three. How does one block something from their mind? I’m not sure… Those memories are too painful for me to handle sometimes. And yet the events of the past have shaped me today. Yet, the pain from remembering won’t quite reach the pain of seeing the look on their faces. Their reactions… They both didn’t say a word… then they asked for details. I wouldn’t give them the details. Yes I know the basics of what happened… but I don’t want to remember everything. If I could remember everything clearly… would that change anything? Would I be able to tell them? I’m not sure. I remember my dad, speaking clearly “if you don’t give us details… we won’t believe you.” I couldn’t tell them. They kicked me out of the appointment with the psychologist.

I will never forget this day.

Cause today? Is the day that I learnt that I couldn’t rely on my parents for help or support. I learnt that random strangers will go out of their way to help when they see someone crying. I learnt that when I went off crying and hid in the computer lab… that people who didn’t know me, didn’t have any reason to care… were trying to find me, to keep me safe.

These memories will live with me forever.
This reminds me of the excerpt: Four Letters of Love. The author who wrote that went through the same thing. Watching as something is said that completely changes life. The lines fit so accurately to mine. Yes the situation is different. But the result is the same. “Then, my head resting on fists, I sat and listened to the end of my childhood.” That is a line from the novel. And yet it is identical to how I felt. Do we hold on to everything we can? Even what hurts? Do we hold on to the events that change our lives even if we don’t want to?
Yes, because we have to. We have to live through everything, and hold on to everything. Why? Because even if remembering something now doesn’t seem important… it will be 20 years from now.
Thanks for reading, thanks for caring. Shadowstich

Blog post 272: Graduation
June 9th
I have been thinking a lot about the past. Memories. I graduated recently. I don’t think I will ever forget that day. The principle telling us that we technically did not graduate, that we still could fail. Our principle is a great guy… but his speeches are the most depressing things I have heard. You could see everyone’s self esteem floating away. I watched as name after name was called, as the choir sang out, as my friend played piano, as the people cheered. These details will fade away, but the general idea will always be here.

I have been thinking about the past a lot.
In grade 10 I started this blog because of a friend. And I can read back to then…
I went from a scared little kid who thought life was hopeless… to this, a more self assured almost adult. My blog is both where I share my life, and store my memories.
Reading some of the posts make me remember so much… stuff long forgotten.

The lines “I miss you, love you, hate you, but still I thank you” they went something like that. And I remember everything that happened those days. Like The smell of the rain as I sat in the center of a field that was reduced to cinder from a fire. Did you know you had such an impact on me? That you still are in my mind and memories?

The truth is… I still miss you, I still think about you… I use the memories, the lessons that you taught me… and with them I make my future.

Good job on graduating. Shadowstich.

Blog post 273:
June 13th
My first final exam: English 30-1 was today. The question for the personal response struck me deeply. You know how focused on memories I have been? The question was “what do these texts suggest to you about the significance of our memory of the past.” All I could think about was everything I have been writing about for the last while. The texts suggested how important it is to hold on to our memories. There is a brochure about an archival place.

This blog is where I archive important things. I believe that as an individual and a collective whole, we must do everything to keep our memories and out pasts, to remember them, learn from them, but not dwell in the past. Our past is what has shaped us, got us to this point of life. I believe that we must never let go of the past, both the good and bad, because… what is the point of doing something if you don’t use the experiences to further ones self. That is the significance of out memories of the past. Learning, shaping ones self, moving on, but never forgetting what has happened.

Yes I am writing about an English final, because it made me think. Hello to me, 20 years from now, reading this, looking back at life, remembering the past, but living in the now. I know I will read this. Because it is important to remember, to look back for a moment, just for a moment mind you, and see what has shaped the person who one has become.

Remember to remember even when you want to forget.
Shadowstich.

(ps this is my english response, no i dont have a time machine, all was written today)

so my parents found out about things.
about my past
and now i cant talk to them... they are SO mad
i dont know what to do. they kicked me out of the psycology meeting
and they wonder why i didnt tell them?
cause i knew they would react this way
its not that i dont trust them
its that they didn't need to know
and now they do
and i really want to kill myself.
too blunt?
probably
i wont.
but i want to
cause i dont know how to face them
cause they will never understand...
and i cant just explain everything to them
cause i dont remember the EXACT details about that event
i kinda dont want to
and i dont want to explain every little thing to them
i dont know what to do.
i dont want to go home
i graduate tomorrow
and i hate my life

so much complication latley.
with last night.
yesterday was a pretty rad day for the most part...
hung out with a really awesome boy and stole his hoodie.
went to my band concert, and wore the hoodie under my suit for the first half of the concert.
I dont know why... but it really helped calm me down.
but yeah... durring the concert i was sitting next to a friend who had been avoiding me since the band trip.
and well... durring intermition... im still not quite sure exactly what happened, it was kinda a blurr... cause one moment we're talking, then we hug, then he pushed me against the wall and kissed me.
he knows im with someone else.
although that didnt stop me once......
but it did this time.
http://concessioncomic.com/index.php?pid=20100516
that comic... describes things fairly well.
well... i dont love him... i think. my boyfriend i mean.
i dunno. after last time... im terified to love someone that way, let alone tell them. but i care about him a fair bit.
and i want to stay with him.
and stay loyal.
what i should note due to the comic is... im normally very loyal, but i dont want to go into that.



wow... for once i dont know what else to say

i think what i should do... is grab one of my extra mp3 players, put a whole bunch of fun music and give it to someone so he has something to listen to on bus rides.

does anyone read this anymore?
if you do please comment on this and say who you are.
peace.
Shadowstich

its weird.
i started this blog so long ago.
what has changed?
everything.
right now... i really wish i could ask him out.
but im too afraid to
im over adam... mostly... but all i can think of is:
"but what if he says no"
then i will wonder why...
do i take the risk?
im still not sure
i really wish he would ask me out.
cause the thing is... im terified of being used again
after the last guy.
im so sick of being hurt
if feels like people only see me for sex.

why does it feel like that?
well... the last guy...
and then... right after things ended with the last guy... one of my closest guy friends is all
"you are single now... we should experiment... like fool around... just as friends."
he didnt even care that i was crushed.
i know im a... what did hat one guy call me "a sexual deviant"
i flirt without meaning to.
but if i actually like someone i will be somewhat shy around them sometimes... and want to talk a lot.

im too open sometimes.
guess i got that cause of kingsley.
i dont like people hiding stuff...


sometimes:
i miss being innocent
i miss being sure of life
i miss being sure of myself
i miss running... and martial arts

currently i am listening to this one song... that always breaks my heart just slightly
i cant help but think about things... 2 years ago...


i will admit it... im having a rough patch
im not used to having to face all this pain. anger
they are forign emotions to me.
im not used to having to experiance them.
someday i might explain why.
maybe

everythings changing.
and im trying to embrace it.

please realise that this is me trying to feel better, thats why i blog, for release
that not everything i say i ment to say.
these are also raw emotions... but maybe you'll understand.
i miss you.
Shadowstich

please

Tell me (cause i need to know)

Tell me everything you should have said
Tell me what I need to know
Tell me the thoughts going around your head
Tell me before I have to go

Cause its love and its hate
Is it truth, is it fate
Please tell me what im supposed to do
Do I even have a chance or is this just one dance
Please tell me what is true

Tell me boy why do you hesitate
When the bell starts to chime
Cause we both know that we’re running late
And we’ve run out of time

Cause its love and its hate
Is it truth, is it fate
Please tell me what im supposed to do
Do I even have a chance or is this just one dance
Please tell me what is true

Tell me how to say im sorry
Tell me why this doesn’t seem to end
Please tell me you are not sorry
And please tell me you don’t want this to end

Loss of Hope: Response to “In the Absence of Angles”

This essay speaks to me in quite a few ways. Not so much about Aids, but the loss of hope. There are people who believe that there is some greater being, a god so to say. “God” is supposed to protect you, keep you from harm, and answer your prayers. I still don’t know what to believe, because my prayers have never been answered, and I don’t think anyone is protecting me. Some people have said “he is still watching out for you, he just works in mysterious ways.” If that’s the case, then why am I injured… for the rest of my life? Why did I lose one of the few things that I loved with all my heart?

Let me explain my injury. It’s a groin pull. This is what happened one year and 11 months ago… long time ago it seems. My relatives, my aunt and her son Jason (Sarah was staying at her dads) were staying over. It was approximately two in the morning in April. I was fast asleep on the floor; Jason was sleeping in my loft bed, which is the top part of a bunk bed. To get into the loft bed, one must climb a ladder and then manoeuvre themselves into the bed. There are bars along the side, about half a meter above the mattress. This prevents anyone from falling out of the bed. In the three to four years I have had the bed I have never fallen out. Did I mention that I can’t keep still in my sleep? I move enough that my parents hear the bed rocking and squeaking as if I were doing… something other than sleeping. Even with all my moving, I have NEVER fallen out. Anyways, it’s two am, I am fast asleep. Suddenly I am woken up by something landing on my legs. I twist suddenly, and then BAM… groin pull and second degree hamstring sprain. He jumped. In a cry for attention, Jason resulted in injuring me for life. That’s not all though. Jason claimed that he fell, and my relatives, they believed him. I know that he jumped. If he had fallen out of my bed, he would have cracked his head open on the ladder, and landed on my stomach. Instead he landed on my lower legs in a crouch. According to my grandparents, it is my fault that I got injured, because boys will be boys and jump out of beds, and that I shouldn’t have slept on the floor. So they’re saying one second he fell, next second he jumped. I told my parents what they said. The result? I’m a liar and a snitch for telling the truth. I was 15, he was 12 when it happened.

A lot of people say things like “Oh it will be fine in a year or two.” Do you think I’m exaggerating about it being a life long injury? I wish I was. As I wrote this yesterday, and type this today, I am on codeine and ibuprofen for the pain. Yes, one year and eleven months later I still am in pain. Three days ago I went to the doctor. My groin is easily re-injured, so I am not always in pain, but it never completely heals. The doctors comment… “Groin pull?... I’m sorry… that REALLY sucks. There is nothing at all that we can do… It will take a lifetime to heal. There is no surgery, nothing we can do except give you painkillers and send you back to physiotherapy.” I have been in physiotherapy for two sessions, each one a month long. There I get to have Jen massage my groin, run an electric current through my groin, and pour cold gel on my groin and do an ultrasound. Yes I get to have a stranger’s hands between my legs for an hour every few days during those sessions. It helps… a little, but not enough. Its also one of the most awkward things I have had to go through. Jen is very nice, and I like seeing her, I just wish that I could go without the electric current.

I mentioned that I lost one of the few things I loved with all my heart. That would be martial arts. All my life I have been in Hapkido. It meant everything to me, and I was really good at it. At blue belt, I could spar against black belts. Black belts were 5 belts (and 3-4 years) ahead of me, and I could still do well in fights against them. I’ve lost that. Hapkido was how I distressed, the only place where I had friends through junior high. It gave me something to live for. I used to be able to do point kicks head height, Now… waist height on a good day. I won’t lie; I am still addicted to the adrenalin rush I still miss getting punched in the face. I had to quit Hapkido over a year ago, and I won’t be able to go back. I can’t do sports anymore, except for a select few. I have lost part of my life, my past, and my future. I used to teach Hapkido, I wanted to do it for the rest of my life. I planned on becoming a martial arts instructor.

I know that I sound upset, bitter, and angry. I am. I will get over that. I haven’t given up on life though. I have given up on the concept of a god. I prayed to get better. I prayed for something that could be done. Nothing happened. We must make our own paths, live our own lives. I know I can’t go back to martial arts, running, or any physical activity that I’d enjoy. My thoughts though? Don’t give up. Life is not easy, but it’s worth living. To those who believe, I hope you never lose your faith. As to my plans? I will become an elementary teacher, and I will teach kids that no matter how bleak, hopeless, useless their life seems… that things will get better. Never give up on your dreams.