i wish this didnt hurt so much
i wish i could change things.
the truth is i miss you.
and im so fucking depressed right now
and so out of it
why?
well part of it is im on the wrong medication
which has left me with the following side effects:
nausea
depression
lack of focus
jittery
scared
lonleyness
shaky


Lumine says:
whats eating you?
Shadowstich aka Victoria, says:
im just really sad.
Lumine says:
because of the guy you got in a fight with?
Shadowstich, says:
yup
Lumine says:
ah
Shadowstich aka Victoria, says:
:(
Lumine says:
you shouldn't be bothered to much by it
Lumine says:
well
Lumine says:
i guess you've got a right to be
Lumine says:
then if it messes with you this much
Lumine says:
go talk to him
Lumine says:
try and fix it
Shadowstich aka Victoria, says:
im afraid to


well thats my conversation with a friend right now.
to be honest.
im terified of talking to you.
yes this post is directed at you.
or this part is.

i dont want to get hurt

but i just sent you a message via facebook.

this isnt just goodbye

the begining is going through my head

Please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is I can't stand you
This is where the road
crashed into the ocean
It rises all around me
And now we're barely breathing
A thousand faces we'll choose to ignore

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy

I listen to you cry
A cry for less attention
But both my hands are tied
And I'm pushed into the deep end
I listen to you talk but talk is cheap
And my mouth is filled with blood
From trying not to speak

So search for an excuse
And someone to believe you
In foreign dressing rooms
I'm empty with the need to

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation leaves me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy

Curse my enemies forever
Let's slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful
This desperation is leaving me overjoyed
With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy

Please understand

Lay rotting where I fall
I'm dead from bad intentions
Suffocated and embalmed
And now all our dreams are cashed in
You swore you wouldn't lose
then lost your brain
You make a sound that feels like pain

So please understand
This isn't just goodbye
This is I can't stand you


this is the first time since things happened that i can even type
i think its because of who i just hung out with
thanks zuli.


so much i want to say to you, but i cant
i dont know if i will continue writing in this,
as i have lost pretty much my only reader.

if you dont know what im talking about, you never will.
because its personal.


i still find myself praying for you.
as weird as it sounds.

im so glad i still have you as a friend zuli, as i dont think i could stand any guys after this.
and sorry about earlier... and damn your heavy...

haha
that made my day.
thanks


well im off,
peace
ShadowStich, aka, whoever i am, aka
the annoying brat who no one can stand,

I never meant the things I said
To make you cry
Can I say I'm sorry
It's hard to forget
And yes I regret
All these mistakes
I don't know why you're leaving Me
But I know you must have your reasons
There's tears in your eyes
I watch as you cry
But it's getting late

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I'm wanting in
What was I just about to discover
When I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
Guess I'll never know

Remember when we scratched our names into the sand
And told me you loved me
But now that I find
That you've changed your mind
I'm lost for words
And everything I feel for you
I wrote down on one piece of paper
The one in your hand
You won't understand
How much it hurts to let you go

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I'm wanting in
What was I just about to discover
I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
Guess I'll never know

All this time you've been telling me lies
Hidden in bags that are under your eyes
And when I asked you I knew I was right
But if you turn your back on me now
When I need you most
But you chose to let me down
Won't you think about what you're about to do to me
And back down...

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I'm wanting in
What was I just about to discover
I got too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I'm wanting in
What was I just about to discover
When I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
I guess I'll never know...



fuck
this song has been going through my head, repeatedly.
and maybe you will be able to figure out why.


as humans we really lie to each other way too much
and all the lies do is make the truth hurt so much more at a later day.

its like we build a web of lies
and then the truth comes out, and it all unravels,
leaving the person trapped in the web confused and alone...

am i mad at you
no
am i hurt.
no.
because i knew deep down that you cant stand me.


fuck
i talked to one girl. who i havnt talked to since she finaly gave up hiding the truth from me over msn.
and want to know what the truth was.
it was that she couldnt stand me.
that im an annoying little imature pest.

and she is not the only person who has done it.

so yeah...
shes trying to be my friend now
and it feels like she is only doing it out of... pity.
and it hurts.
so much.

oh yes
im going to a wedding saturday
my cousin is marring her high school teacher

does age really matter?

gah
love is confusing
and theres so much i want to write
but
cant
for various reasons.

there are some things i should be mad about, but im not
because i cant change it.

lets hope martial arts turns out better tonight.

just a quick update
ive been busy
life is not fun
im swamped with math
and having issues which i cant talk about
i really miss one friend, as he and i have been unable to talk latley, and he is at work right now...
but hopefully i can get to martial arts tomorrow and see him
i really shouldnt do martial arts when tired
lets see
i accidently canned troy
and then doing sholder rolls
over our partners
i was with a friend, a good friend,
and well
we were supposed to roll over them.
it was going well
suddenly my mind goes blank and i run and fall over on him...
that was fun

and yes g, some things do need to be said.



im so tired
and confused
im fine right now, for the most part, im having some issues (but who doesnt)
but one of my friends is going through a horrible situation.
and so i have been helping her
and girl, i will always be here for you.

i dont know what to type.
im so tired
but i may teach tonight.

i have some things to type up.

but wont do so right now.

i hope everyones summer is going well
peace
Shadowstich

sometimes i really worry about some of you.
the thing is, ive offered help in the past
and its a standing thing
i'd offer again, but i dont think you would accept my help.
i care about all of you.
and i really want to help you if i can.
so if you want my help leave a message text or whatever.

the stampede is insane
i felt sick for so much of yesterday
im pretty sure it was the corn dog
and the atmosphere
i was getting to the point where i wanted to kill things

i think that may be in my system still...
and one reader, i know exactly how you feel with the wanting to hurt people.

fuck
every once and awhile i want to hurt people around me, those i care about
and it really doesnt help that im kind of depressed right now
thing is im bringing it on myself... i know this
but i cant help being pessimistic and expecting the worst in relationships.

im so worried something will go wrong
that i will screw up
or get used
or cheated on
and it hurts
i want to trust, but its hard
because every once and awhile i trust too much
and then get hurt

eh
thinking
sometimes i will say im doing fine, just so that other people dont feel the need to try to help me
you got sick of me always saying my problems, so i've stopped, for the most part.

everyone has problems...
i have to many to list
do you want examples?
im highly adhd
im paranoid
i enjoy pain
i enjoy inflicting pain
i have conversations in my head
i know like... 6 ways to kill people with bare hands

there are countless others
but i will be fine
bye
shadowstich

well i cant really think.
its weird
last night i went to bed at around 11 ish... i then proceeded to lie awake until probably 5 or 6
it wasn't the lying awake with too much on your mind
my mind was pretty empty
i wanted to sleep but couldn't
and i've spent a lot of the day learning math
my head hurts
have i eaten today?
i think so
lets see
half a wrap, and some chips.
thing is, i feel like if i eat anything i will be sick.
although im running of 3-4 hours of sleep i feel very energetic right now.
i feel so weird right now...
i may be getting sick...
hope not
later
shadowstich

oh.
what changes should i make to the layout?
i've made some already

some day you could comment...
i cant write, my brain hurts, i learned a month of math in an hour
it was very painful.
i really hope everything is ok with you people.
if you need help, just ask.
love you all
shadowstich

Slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
So please just break the silence

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

And I'm longing, for words to describe how I'm feeling
I'm feeling inspired
My world just flip turned upside down
It turns around, saw that's that sound
It's my heart beat, it's getting much louder
My heart beat, is louder than ever
I'm feeling alive, I'm feeling alive

My whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up, and let your love right through me
I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up, and let your love right through me
That's what you get
When you see your life in someone else's eyes
That's what you get, that's what you get

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you
This world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you


thats the words to the song i posted

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7Nwfwv6ayA

listen to the song
it is amaizing

new song #1

new song
when you think everythings gone wrong
and you're full of dispare
everyday goes on far too long
and no one seems to care

just think of all the good in life
dont think about the bad
dont focus on youre strife
remember good times you had

Dont wanna

every day is just the same
same old lies and same old blames
day after day i wish my life would change
but no im stuck here all alone
no one gives a damn about me

and
i dont wanna be teased
done wanna be alone
dont wanna be the thing they laugh at
i just wanna be free
free just to be

yeah
im sick of this life
im sick of this world
where everythings the same
nothing will change
im stuck here singing
woah

i dont wanna be teased
done wanna be alone
dont wanna be the thing they laugh at
i just wanna be free
free just to be
free just to be

(my first song, writen before councling, so...)

sticks and stones

no one knows the pain
slowly driving me insane
no one knows the tears i cry
or how often i wanna die

cause

sticks and stones may break my bones
but words they hurt much worse
bones will heal and scars will fade
but broken hearts dont mend

all the words you say
never go away
they haunt me in my sleep
like a record on repeat

cause

sticks and stones may break my bones
but words they hurt much worse
bones will heal and scars will fade
but broken hearts dont mend
my broken heart wont mend

(writen grade 8)

better on my own

All the times you hurt me
All the times you lied
All the times you dont see
All the times I've cried
*chorus*
You said it's over, it's done
But I still think that you're wrong
I think that it's just begun
And you've go on for too long
*also chorus*
I dont need you anymore
I'm fine being left alone
Thought I needed you before
Now i'm better on my own
Every little thing you do
Every little thing you've said
So little of it is true
You were messing with my head
*chorus*
You tried to bring me down
You tried to tear me apart
But I guess you finaly found
You didn't know where to start
*chorus*

last night writing and today typing

given i cant blog every night i have decided to write in this ugly little book with fairies on it... its somewhat sickening.
J. im learning the song you taught me on my horn. i just finished practicing.

which reminds me.
i saw my old section leader the other day.
i love giving people titles
which is whi i want to keep calling her "Section Leader"
thats also i want to call a certain reader "______ the tech man"
(yes i know your name...but not all the random creepers reading this do....)

i wonder if i will type this up
because this feels like im writing in a diary
which
FYI
I dont do.

im sitting on my bed right now

looking at my stereo.

using my feet to change the song.

i can use my feet like hands

if i could i would never wear socks or shoes. even on this there are typos (which i have updated)
but i cant blame my horrible spelling on typos
G... did you ever listen to the 2 songs i sent you?

well every day we find something new
and this new day well i found you


i hate people who cheat on others. its inexcusable
and its stuck on my mind
alas i cant go into details.

change topics
*very discretely*

you are So VERY LUCKY that i am typing this up, as my writing sucks

but this is a lot of fun.
starting page 4
and my wrist is cramping as i write madly away

i have huge feet
size 9 1/2 mens
and FYI
im a GIRL
i just happen to like guys shoes.
come on
you try to find size 11-12 women shoes.
good luck with that

and im tired and have to cleen my room
because you needed to know that
how am i
pretty good
writing always makes me feel better
and i had a good day

what did i do today

lets see

woke up at 9:30
via alarm clock... aka my mum.
did stuff
went out for lunch... ate greasy food
went home
went to teach
found out class started at 5 and had 2 hours to kill
taught half an hour and felt ill
i still do slightly
i think it was the greese
went home
studied math
ate food
played horn
wrote in this
what will i do next??
who CARES
wow that s looks like a 3 and an S mated and had a mutant offspring

my hand hurts
peace
SHADOWSTICH
(sorry you cant see my sweet signature)


that was 6 pages

and now im typing whats in my head not on the page
cause i can read my thoughts way more easily than my writing
fyi i cooked food instead of cleaned my room
garlic shrimp
it was consumable
g... your writing is neater than mine
cause i have chicken scratch
iv e been thinking a lot about love
i plan to wait for this girl to break up with her boy (she cant take a long distance relationship) does that make me a bad person?
because when they break up i will probably ask her out
as she is amazing


i feel bad for her boy tho

gah
im going to go off and do stuff
some day i will scan in stuff from my notebook for you to read
cause you cant read it at all
im gonna go play rockband

haha
yes
g
its a great game
try it


well im off
peace

well j you owe me a sleepover and night of playing rockband
yes
last night couldnt happen the way we had hoped
but
sei la vie
which means
such is life


yes
work
when my boss was hiring me she interviewed me
and her response to almost everything was
"cute"
and im like
"cute???"
CUTE????
that makes no sence at all
me cute???
ha
im not cute

it was really creepy
my thoughts were
what is she really thinking
im not cute
so is cute just what she really thinks
or is she thinking im a moron

well she hired me so....


its cause im a moron

there we go

listening to still alive right now
and im forcing g to do the same
thanks muchly g

yes i love that song

i dont have much tomsay right now
because right now i am compleatly content with life
and i want to SING

so badly


well im off to talk to g
later random people reading this
Shadowstich

well
im in write rapidly mood
because i want to take my mind off things
why
because my currint situation is a horid one
i got 62 in math... so i need to pay a teacher from school to teach me both 10 and 20 pure in the month of july
oh yay
love is a horibvle wonderfull feeling
and the only way i can describe how i feel is this
its from a manga called "Loveless"
"i want to be around you... but... it hurts to be around you"

work...
yes i have a job at a place that sells silver shprts.
and crocs
whats with crocs that make them so popular
they look stupid and are silver or gold
WHY
MUST
THEY
BE
SO
POPULAR


i found something else out
whem people are negitive towards me i am overly happy towards them
today i had to fake being hapy so much i became peppier then a chearleading squad

my emotions want to die

i also really want to cry
because inside i hurt so much right now
but its because i care way too much...
and i keep getting close to crying
but i stop myself
because i hate showing weeknesses
so soon im going to watch a really sad movie and cry for maybe 3 hours

this hiding emotions cant be good for me.

Bob: "is it time to do random dedications???" *looks hopefull*
Shadowstich: "i dont think so bob" *yawns*



did i get your hopes up???
i dont think so

because that would be so creepy


aparently im a really creppy person
Situation#1
Shadowstich *appears in the missle of a shirt rack* "Hi. May i help YOU????"
Person 1 "AHHHHHH"


situation #2
Shadowstch:"hi your total comes to 10.50"
person 2: "ok" *pays*
Shadowstich: "Have a FUNtastical day"
(person one fainted)


Forwars: person one did not exist... except for in my co-workers mind




anyways
im just going to keep writing
because it makes me feel better


and i need to feel better
i wonder if there is a word limit
or if you just skim over my random ranting

i wonder a lot


new song stuff
yess its similer to away from here
but i like it


way different tune

as the days go by they fade in to your memories

and all thats left behind from them is uncertanties

and you question every move that you make

and your way to worried about making a mistake

and it feels like your falling

yeah feels like your falling

it feels like your falling

in love

thats all i really have right now


its a love song
if you cant tell


im repeating some words in my head right now
"my readers aree not idiots...my readers aree not idiots"

yes
i know you people are smart


otherwise i wouldnt put complicating wrds in this

if i ever do
ONOMATIPEIA
there you go

well my week is free except for wendsday
and i want to hang out with yu lovley people
so CALL
as i dont have computers on schooldays
or weekdays
whatever you want to call them

i noticed something else
when im trying not to cry i usually sing a song called
Better Than This
by
Busted



i dont know why
but it could be why i sing with a british accent sometimes
and just some words
i think


my feet hurt so much
it burns to walk on them


liustening to ignorance
words that stick out
"They wont let go... when you see them coming, please let me know"

i love those lines
"if fools were ment to fuck you then why do fools fall in love?"
very good question duggie

next song
i cant take my eyes off of you
from high school musical
i love ryan
cause hes so gay
and hes totally my vocal range one octive lower


birds and boats
by
gregory and the hawk
the most amaizing song
and it nearly is making me cry as i type it
it could be because its such a sweet song
or maybe because it reminds me of the paso
a little under a year ago
the scene: wabikon
triplet c is singing this cong

i miss everyone except this one girl
who really hated me

now its walk in the sun
which reminds me g... what happened to your teaching me

the reason i bring this up is because of the lines
"sitting and watching the world going by
is it true when we die we go up to the sky?

now its yellowcard and i will stop this for now


ah im feeling somewhat better now
because i needed to get some stuff out
even if it doesnt actually say anything
g... i know you read this, and its why i keep doing this...
and it always makes me feel better.
your a great guy, and you look so cute in your grade 10 yearbook pict...
i hope next year i can have you as a section leader.

N. well i just told you to read this.
i think your an absolutley amaizing gall
and im making you read this so i love you...

J. im so tired from the sleepover
but good times
coming soon you and me rockband

Zuli. im sorry... thats all i can say
is im so fucking sorry

C. have fun in quebec

me: your readers are not idiots...

bob... i hope your happy with fred

steph... there you go... anything new to go with bob and john???

and im off to bed as ive spent too long ttyping
so goodnight all
PEACE OUT
*starts hickuping*
well i *hick* had the hickups for *hic* 2 hours *hic* while i worked so i *hic* was like " hi *hic* can i *hic* help you *hic*

yes
it hurt after a few hours

goodnight
SHADOWSTICH THE TIRED

well
guess what
I HAVE A JOB
i also have a bruised foot
a bloody foot
a possibility of a bruise forming n my jaw...
oh yes
today was a great day
lets start with 2 m
talking to Zuli on the phone
fun times
and im about to go into a stage of not thinkinking as i write.
or correcting
see above
anyways
whats really been bugging me
is this
im overly "BRAVE" as some people say
as in im open with my feelings
and ive asked guys out
and ive gotten "your a great gal"
"your a funny cool fun person"
"your a great girl"
this is always followed by "BUT..."
if im so great why cant you see me that way?
if im so great then why have i been cheated on or used or both in pretty much every relationship.

well if you cant tell love is on my mind.
the feeling love is so overpowering
its when you feel like you want to puke but it somehow feels good
well thats how J views it when we talked last night

G. do you have the song recorded?? and i hope everything is going well, we have not talked lately except for the few texts... go on msn some time, or maybe coffee... ?

J. im sorry if my being insanely jealous was weird. but ive told you why.
we have to hang
and you are an amazing friend and im so glad to have you as a bff.

Zuli... well i will try to avoid being vague as much as possible, im learning... hopefully we can hang out soon, and sometime spar, cause in your car was not fare at all...

C... do you still read????? well we defiantly have to chill soon...

everyone else. tell me if you read, as i often leave messages for people

well im off to have a bath...
and then spend an hour deciding what to wear tomorrow
send a text if you want...
i dont bite much... except when im allowed to.


Shadowstich

right now im listening to Make you Smile by +44 as i do math
favorite band right now: carbon leaf
favorite book: i duno
i kinda cut off on my last post
and if you read this, comment.
because im starting to wonder...
i think too much
and talk too much
and text too much... sorry
if my texting is too much, sorry
just tell me.
i get bored and text randomly
i need blunt sometimes
and i understand...
wow today
was
a
first
i hung with people from a group i was introduced to and compleatly enjoyed myself.
wow.
its such an odd feeling
i also hung with zuli
who is EVIL
but i love your stick zuli...
whats that?
faster than a roler coaster???
its zuli driving
way to go.
that was fun

anyways

love= constant confusion
life=fun
love+life= fun confusion???
me + math= oh crap... this won't end well
me+ sleep= probably a nesesity
me + bordom = this
hmm
songs you people should listen to
make you smile +44
carbon leaf in general
examples
life less ordinary
when im alone
i know the reason
any given day
mary mac (it sounds funny)
grey sky eyes
the war was in colour
what about everything



it goes on and on

i think i love music in general

and my horn
which is sexy

and it is my TOOL
haha
yeah
im really tired

so i will stop typing
before i say anything really stupid
dedication time?
why not
G. if i can help in any way tell me. if im being annoying tell me. i can face honesty, and i care about your mental wellbeing.
J. you rock, we have to hang. and walk on the field
Zuli. well its not a letter... its 4... but im tired. and i know a lot of people with your first name. i really like hanging out with you. i feel as if i can completely trust you
C. yes i cant forget you. you rock... please be section leader for procusionest as he cant be
steph. you are an amaizing gal, and we need to talk more.

thats all
if i missed anyone sorry
but i dont know who else reads this